Running low on sleep, I’m restless. Tonight C4 and I spoke of life, its meaning, the reality of God, the importance of belief, and what we want to accomplish. I’m in the middle of a self analysis, trying to figure out what it is I want to be. I realized tonight that I don’t excel at anything, that I enjoy such a broad range of things in life that in no area am I proficient, or really seeking to become so. I’ve criticized the church for abandoning things like the arts. I say that Christians need to become a light by doing the things they do well. I’m a hypocrite.

One thing we discussed was Paul’s writing about things which are good versus things which are better. Marriage is good. Being single is better. Spiritual gifts are good, prophecy is better. The body is made up of many parts, and one should not look down upon the other. I don’t really understand how that meshes, but we discussed the possibility that there are many roles that must be played by members of the body of Christ, some of which are “better” in some senses, but all of which are still necessary.

Right now, and don’t read too much into this, I’m very tired and not thinking too clearly, I’m thinking that perhaps what I desire is, or should be, to be that part which God has in mind, and to excel in it. I may only be a foot and not an eye, but if I’m the best foot I can be, then there’s nothing better for me. In many ways this makes sense, I won’t preach like Billy Grahm, and in many ways that type of service is higher. Perhaps the ones who cultivate only cultivate a few, and the ones who reap may reap many. Perhaps some seeds just need more care. I don’t know. I'll want to erase this in the morning, but I never do. Sigh, ok, now I can sleep.