"I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
sad but true

I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your reasoned alibis
I'm inside open your eyes
I'm you." - Sad But True, Metallica

How can I live divided like this? Every thought is countered and contested, I have no peace. I’m always having to explain myself to some imaginary me. My emotions take words, and they speak the desires of my heart, the ones I keep inside, the ones I try to hide, even from myself. When will I find rest?

I spent the trip back from Longview with the stereo off, something I’ve never done before. I enjoy staying busy, and thinking about things, but when I’m alone, I often feel the need to chase my own voice out with music. That night I let the voice speak, and we talked for several hours. There was so much to discuss.

Right now I’m listening to the heaviest music possible, trying to quell the upsurge of emotion that seeks to overwhelm me. There’s a lump sitting in my throat that argues with my reason. My emotions bring up some very good points, but they just don’t understand how things simply have to be. My emotions are just too idealistic, won’t listen to reality. Maybe some day they'll learn.

So here I go, I’m going to get some rest, read a book, try to chase the thoughts away. Really, everything’s fine, I’m just going to lie down, and I’m really calm. I'm so content, and I've already moved on.

I need a cigarette, because I’m out, but only to think of things best left alone. I’m a masochist, I must be, because I’m out the door to buy some more. Maybe you understand what I mean. There's no deceiving yourself, not for me at least. This is going to be a while.