“Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal.”
-C.S. Lewis, Problem of Pain

I’m searching for clarity, some sense of direction right now. I’ve got about a million things running circles through my head, and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for long. It’s distressing, so here’s a little of everything.

I met up with a girl I went out with for a while a year and a half ago and had coffee with her tonight. I’ve only talked with her on the phone twice in the last year, and apparently called once at 3 in the morning while under the influence, though I don’t remember that. Anyway, I guess we really never had that much in common, as was brought to my attention in conversation, though it was fun talking about the people we both knew back then, remembering times we had. She was disappointed that I smoked, still drank, and hadn’t improved in my Spanish. I was pleased to find she’s taking classes next semester and is quite taken with the cousin of her best friend.

I did manage to spill an entire Venti coffee all over the table and chairs while she and her friend were waiting for their orders. There was a man who looked Russian sitting right next to our table, and I looked at him, smiled, and said, “That sucks.” He said yeah, and then I think he gave me his philosophy on spills, which I could only understand every third word of. So I smiled, nodded, and pretended to understand. The guy behind the bar then helped me clean it up, and even gave me another cup, may he live a thousand years.

She told me many times how cute this guy she liked was, and how she stayed awake at night thinking about him. It was a little forced, but I can’t blame her, there’s probably something in everyone, myself included, that wants the people with whom they were once emotionally involved to still feel a little bit of loss.

Tonight a friend asked me about small pleasures and if they were sins. Here are a few that came to mind:

1. Drinking straight from the container
2. Q-tips to clean the ears and thus, cleanse the mind
3. Pretending to know strangers
4. Watching the sunrise after staying up all night
5. Popping every vertebra
6. Philosophical conversations with animals
7. Placing metal objects through your tongue
8. Braiding pine needles
9. Drumming your fingers in time with the music
10. Smelling old books in used book stores
11. Reading other people’s personal thoughts, diaries
12. Listening to the sound a broken filament makes in a burnt out light bulb when you shake it
13. Finally seeing one of those 3D pictures after staring for hours
14. Touching chenille
15. Listening to corks coming out of wine bottles
16. Watching eyes that laugh
17. Watching cream disperse through coffee
18. Silently watching the stars with a friend
19. Running naked across an uptight university’s campus in the rain
20. Feeling warm and fuzzy after watching a romantic movie

I just watched Amélie again while writing this, and I’m fascinated by how many beautiful things there are in this world, and how happy I can be just enjoying them all. Sin can’t hold a candle to these innocent pleasures.

Today was fantastic, a better day could not have been hoped for, except maybe the last hour or so. To start the day off, I slept in to keep my streak going (haven’t woken up before noon since returning home) and headed off to Kilgore. I needed to pick up my shoes, senior pictures, and deal with bills that my roommates had left for me to do. I was surprised to see that both my roommates were still there, so I got to say goodbye to them again, which was cool. I then got to have coffee with the young lady I’ve been thinking about so much. She really is a sweet girl, and I’m very glad that we can still talk, especially this soon after closing off the more exclusive portion of our relationship.

The five hours to myself in the car were a little less pleasant, though they did furnish me with more than a few thoughts. I think that one thing missing in my life is adversity. I know I tend to downplay pretty much every conflict I have, and I try to quickly resolve every problem that comes up. It seems so many great writers and great artists suffered either a troubled childhood or a messed up life. I, on the other hand, am really quite happy, and wish for everyone around me to enjoy life too. I think I need to spend some time in some war-torn country, dealing with persecution, even slave labor. This is easy to say because I don’t know what those sufferings are like, but I do know that I’m less mature and have less understanding because of this lack of trials. My will has never been put to a truly difficult test, and I wonder how I’d hold up under it. I don't think I'll pray for hardships, but maybe I should.

Okay, this paragraph is being written first, though I’ll put it here at the end. I’ve just received a very important lesson tonight regarding internet etiquette. Do not talk about personal things on IM, do not allow emotions to enter the conversation, do not take anything said over IM too seriously. You may think you’re having a real conversation with someone, but please, save the important stuff for face to face, or in a pinch, the phone. To everyone who is saying, “Duh!”, calm down, I’m new to this.

The night is such a wonderful time. I’ve discovered I’m not really more of a morning person or a night person, I am simply not a day person. I enjoy watching sunsets and sunrises with equal fervor, I just prefer to watch them in that order, and without sleeping in between. The night may conceal what we do down here with darkness, but it reveals the stars and the endless reaches of the heavens which are covered by day. There seem to be endless possibilities at night, and I feel like I could do just about anything. There is also silence as most of the city lies in bed, more than enough encouragement to let your mind wander. I think I’d prefer to live my life between the hours of 4 pm and 6 am. One of the advantages is that at any time of my “day” I could have a drink or a cigar, and nobody would look down at me for drinking or smoking too early.

Two things held my attention today. The first was the beauty of contentment, the way in which a smile transforms a person into something wonderful, and the way in which anger twists and distorts a person into something most undesirable. The second thing is that I need a lot of changing. I smoke, though I thought I had quit several months back after getting my tongue pierced. I bought a pack the night I was informed that I was once again very single. This needs to stop. I also need to be more patient, as prolonged exposure to my family reveals that I am still very easily frustrated and perturbed.

Confusion and curiosity filled me with unease tonight as I finally returned to reading the New Testament. I have felt so far from God lately, and it has been for so long that I am greatly encouraged and even a bit relieved to read of God’s love and provision for me. The problem is how little I understand of what I read. I read through I Corinthians tonight, and several things now trouble me, maybe one of you can help me out. In chapter 11 Paul talks about how men should not cover their heads, but women should while praying or prophesying. Verses 13 through 15 say, “13Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with head uncovered? 14 Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him, 15 but if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her? For her hair is given to her for a covering.(NAS)” There is room for cultural differences, but what is he talking about with nature?

My second question may just arise from a translational difficulty, but it still concerns me. This is a long passage, but I’ll put it in so you don’t have to go get your Bible. It comes from chapter 14, “22 So then tongues are for a sign, not to those who believe, but to unbelievers, but prophecy is for a sign, not to unbelievers, but to those who believe. 23 If therefore, the whole church should assemble together and all speak in tongues, and ungifted men or unbelievers enter, will they not say that you are mad? 24 But if all prophesy, and an unbeliever or an ungifted man enters, he is convicted by all, he is called to account by all; 25 the secrets of his heart are disclosed; and so he will fall on his face and worship God, declaring that God is certainly among you.(NAS)” Okay, so tell me again, which sign is for which then?

Finally, in chapter 15, “29 Otherwise, what will those do who are baptized for the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, why then are they baptized for them?” All these things are curious to me, and since earlier in the letter he says that he preaches the word, to those who are being saved wisdom, but to those who are perishing foolishness. You can see why understanding these things seems important to me. I strongly believe that context is crucial, and I won’t paste the whole thing here, but I did read it through at once to try to get a feel for what he was talking about. It is important to keep in mind that this letter is not characterized by these passages, but rather the whole of the letter is devoted to exhortation, and really was an encouragement to me, as well as convicting.

Another question I have is about what God is saying and what Paul is saying. In chapter 7, Paul says, “10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord . . .” and then, “12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, . . .” He then says, “25 Now concerning virgins I have no command of the Lord, but I give an opinion as one who by the mercy of the Lord is trustworthy.” Now I have respect for Paul, but I am by no means under compulsion to obey him. I don’t even really care if Paul would really want to hang out with me, but God’s approval and opinion of my actions and thoughts is a much bigger deal.

Even in the course of writing this post I’ve received encouragement from Dang, and feel that I need to balance all of my questioning with appreciation for what I do know, and what I do know is that God has blessed me more than I can even comprehend. That’s more than enough for me, and I’m led to read more, as well as to dig up some explanations, if they exist. I’m not too concerned if they don’t.

You can tell it’s time to update your blog when other people have written more on your site than you have. If you haven’t already seen Daniel’s and Danielle’s running commentary, check out the ever growing list of comments on my Saturday December 7th post.

It’s very peculiar how in the span of a few short days I’ve gone through more emotional upheavals than the rest of the semester combined. Finals do have a way of doing that to you though, as do breakups. So, I’m done, thanking God for some long overdue rest, and yet feeling that I somehow need to latch on to my newfound freedom and drink the life from it. I feel like every hour spent sleeping, when it’s not for the purpose of staying alert during a test is a waste requiring a confession. Hopes for the next few weeks run high as I’m returning to my home town of Phoenix, there to meet extended family and friends from years past. I’m so glad my younger sister is still excited about driving, that frees me to read and write for a combined total of 40 hours or more in the car. My goal is to write a journal or blog entry every day, to read over 1000 pages, and to spend time with every friend in Arizona that I’ve missed for about two years now. I’m going to try to get pictures of each of them, and then write about each one. Somebody hold me to it.

Tonight has been on par with the rest of this week as far as emotional confusion goes. So many things are going through my head right now, and I’d like to organize some of these thoughts before I lose them to unconsciousness. I got to have another smoke and talk with God tonight, and it’s been far too long. I wondered, and then was asked what the connection between God and cigarettes was. The truth I believe is that I smoke when I feel the lowest, and that would be how I felt tonight at around 1. God has my undivided attention at these times, when I’ve got nothing else to hold on to. Tonight I wish I knew how to describe my feelings to find out if anyone has ever felt the way I do, or did. I so often do not even know how to feel, to the point that it seems like I just can’t feel at all. I felt so low, so worthless to Him, and I know I should want to be closer to Him, but I even felt unable to want that. I’ve asked for a renewal of heart, because I know I can’t even turn to Him without a little of His help. I feel so much peace right now, compared to a few hours ago, and I’m so thankful.

I can’t say enough about the value of good friends, those who don’t judge you and who feel like they can be completely honest with you. I’m also in complete awe of the power of shared silence. There’s something indescribable and wonderful about being able to understand someone else without having to speak.

Dan was correct, friends really are something else. I'm not sure what to think or feel, this last week has been one hell of an experience, but one thing I have learned over the last month or so is that friends are worth everything. A true friend is one who is happy for you when something good happens to you, and who's there for you when it falls apart. That type of friend is all but impossible to find and I'll probably never be able to fully show my appreciation for my best friends. I owe everything to them.

Final thought for tonight, reconciliation has set my soul at ease. I held her hand for probably the last time tonight, and while so many people have said that friendships don't work out after relationships, I'm hoping and praying that this one will. I leave it in God's hands, may he keep me from taking it back into my own.

All things must come to an end. I’ve just completed my last class of the semester, and it feels pretty good. Unfortunately I still have a couple projects to finish up, plus the obvious finals which may still manage to fail me, but with less than a week to go, I know I can make it physically even if I don’t make it academically. Other things sound like they may be coming to an end soon as well, and unfortunately that has a monopoly on my thoughts right now. It’s somewhat unsettling to find something so unexpected, in a place or from a person that you thought was familiar. Whether it is the friend who’s always seemed so innocent who begins swearing or the brilliant and studious guy who drops out and works a fast food job, you somehow feel that the world is a little darker when you see it happen. The hand you once held pushes you away, and the night seems just a little colder. The night is so beautiful, and all of God’s blessings are beyond my comprehension, I should rejoice and be glad, but hope deferred will have me playing melancholy songs for the rest of the evening.

“Language was invented for one endeavor: To woo women”
- Dead Poets Society

Timing is one thing my life is severely lacking. There are times when I have nothing better to do than stare out the window or watch television. During those times, my life has always been fairly stable. There are other times when I’ve got so much to do, there barely seems enough hours in the day to get it all done. It’s during those times that invariably something will come up that really confuses me and messes with my thoughts. It’d be nice to sit down for a day or two and just think things through, but there’s no time. If the issue is important, you have to come to some conclusion, even if that conclusion is, “I’m just not going to think about that right now.” So I’m skipping classes to finish papers that were due last week, and also trying to collect my thoughts. I don’t know what to do or think or feel, but even my inaction is a response, and I fear it would be the poorest one.

I was working on my homework last night in the apartment that I have adopted as my on-campus home when my adopted roommates turned on the television, flipped through some channels, and decided to watch Smallville. If you haven’t seen this show, you’re not missing much, it’s standard WB fare. The funny thing was that the plot had something to do with this woman villain that could breathe out some sort of pheromone that allowed her to take control of the minds of the men in town. I guess they ran out of new superpowers to give the villains. This seemed like a pointless plot development though, seeing as how women already have the ability to control men.

I'd like to take this time to explain something to those of you who have not heard a full explanation of my views on the weaker sex. First, let me defend my use of the term weak. Many people today talk about how men and women are exactly the same, and say that we should ignore the differences and focus on how similar we are. Let me ask you though, would you honestly say that the servant is stronger than the master? Servants may have built the pyramids, but did that make the Israelites the stronger of the two? The strength in those situations was the ability to compel someone to do something they otherwise would not do. In most historical cases, this strength is the threat of physical violence, but their physical strength or superior weapons were only the cause of their strength, means to an end. The stronger sex doesn’t need physical strength, their power comes from human emotion, and is therefore far superior. Think now about the history of the world, and you may begin to see my point. Men have cleared and cultivated most of the land and men have built most of the buildings, but why did they? Can you look me in the eye and seriously tell me that without women we would do anything besides run around naked, shooting things and building fires? I don't resent being a member of the weaker sex, but let's be honest.

My academic life has recently turned into some sort of bad waking dream. I woke up this morning at 8, the first time, and took a shower. I then returned to bed and proceeded to alternate between hitting the snooze button and resetting my alarm for 20 minutes later. When 12:00 rolled around, I decided it’d be a good idea not to sleep through my first class of the day, even though my motivation to go has hit rock bottom, as previously mentioned. I arrived two minutes before class started and found out we were having a test and few if any of the students had previously had any clue it was today. This upset me, but not much, which shows my low level of academic interest. I also probably came close to acing the test, without studying, which shows the utter and complete waste of my time this class truly is. I have papers and modules and tests all coming up in Electronics, and in contrast to my underclassman days when I was driven to get as many A’s as possible, now I’m just shooting to pass. You could tell me that all of my finals were tomorrow morning, and my first thought wouldn’t be, “Oh shoot, I’m going to fail!” it’d probably be closer to, “Oh sweet, I’m going to party!” Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to focus a little more on life, a little less on academia.

My few thoughts on the outside world revolve around Happy Meal toys, which I have spent the last 2 hours studying for a group presentation in Speech class, the tragic plight of Lawn Gnomes which Dan was so kind as to bring my attention to, and the amazing way that one's whole outlook on life can be changed by a young woman's slightest word or action. I'd best get to sleep, my life's daily rerun begins at 8 tomorrow, and I'd hate to miss it. (written at 3 a.m., posted later when Blogger regained consciousness.)

It's fitting that at 3:30 a.m. I still need to do laundry, change the license plates on my car, and do a lot of homework, but instead I'm writing a blog. Nothing new there. I decided at midnight to go visit a friend who's in Dallas for a couple days staying with family, but ended up driving around for an hour because there are two identical addresses in the Dallas metroplex, and the house was in Carrolton, not Dallas. So that was fun, and then when I got there I was called a dork for not being able to navigate my home city. Ah, good times. I call down blessings upon the civil engineers who planned this wonderful town, may their souls never find rest, as I can never find my destination. I really did have a good time tonight, though I still don't understand anything happening on the Spanish channel, which we watched for a good hour or so. I'm working on it. Tonight was a perfect night for sitting on a street curb, smoking a cigarette, and talking to God, but I didn't. I quit cigarettes, and recently I guess I've quit talking to God, too. I was doing alot better when I was doing both. Maybe I'll do something else bad for my health on nights like tonight while talking to God. There has to be a McDonalds open somewhere . . .

By the way, C-4 now has a blog and I suggest you take a look. He's got a good post on the joys of returning to Longview, which I have the great pleasure of doing tomorrow after lunch. Oh boy.