Have you ever enjoyed re-heated food so much that you wonder why you tried eating it after only cooking it once? Lasagna is one of these mysteries. Through many experiments, and by many third party accounts, I’ve come to the conclusion that lasagna continues tasting better every time you re-heat it. This is not my theory, it was told to me by a friend, but I can’t disagree. The burger I just re-heated for some reason tastes heavenly, easily an order of magnitude better than it was fresh. I think reheating it caused the cheese to become one with the burger and bun. Warm melted cheese definitely approaches the all time orgasmic food list, which I have yet to compile.

I continually return to Ecclesiastes, it seems the most relevant book in the world when you’re feeling uncertain, which for me, to varying degrees, has been my life since about age 12. There is indeed a time for all things, and I’d argue that timing is one of the most misunderstood things about life. It’s funny how projects always get finished up on the day they’re due, it’s funny that when it rains, it pours. The telemarketer calls at dinner, and you meet a new friend because your alarm clock didn’t go off.

This seemingly incomprehensible set of causes and effects points to one of two things. Chaos theory, in all of its mind numbing complexity, or an all powerful God with a sense of humor. The sweet is never quite as sweet without the sour, and joy contrasts so well with sorrow. So even when things suck, I think I can confidently say, God’s not through yet, and I believe I’ll be able to laugh about a great many things somewhere down the road.

I don’t pretend to have been through great adversity, and I’ve never been starving or homeless. How do you develop a life philosophy having never been destitute or persecuted, knowing you may very likely never be, but with the knowledge that many are? Again, there is a time for everything, weeping and rejoicing too, and I can’t walk around with a sad look on my face all the time because people are suffering. To do that would be to reject all of the wonderful things God has given to me. Perspective is so hard, in so many areas of life.

So tonight it’s Linux and me. Cheshire cheese and white merlot. Tool’s Lateralus is on the stereo, Buddy is around my neck. It’s not that bad an evening, to be honest, in fact, one of the better evenings I’ve ever spent alone. I’ll more than likely end up smoking a pipe and calling some friends in a western time zone later on, just like I often do. Day one without cigarettes actually feels a lot better than I thought it would.

Funny day, focus returns. My life begins to reshape itself into what I always knew it was, but got sidetracked. A dose of reality brings about clarity of thought and mind, reminds me who I am.

Amongst other things, a good friend of mine is having his life turned upside down in the worst way possible, so he had to leave school to deal with it. I’ve been told a couple of my other close friends may be leaving too, eloping, but such rumors are many where I come from. The crazy stuff that used to just be in the back of your mind, stuff out of books or tabloids or Springer-esque shows, yeah, my friends are living it, or so it seems.

I came to school thinking I was naïve and had no clue about the real world. The funny thing is, I thought it was in regard to alcohol, sex, drugs, things that my parents cringe at when I mention them. It’s just not so. I know most of what these things are all about, I know friends who are deep into it (not a pun with sex, though I like it.) What I’m naïve about is love, hate, prejudice, and depression. I don’t understand any of those things, and I’m not trying too hard to learn. Let me have my fantasy world where people all get along.

I’m not talking about some fantasy world that I sit and close my eyes to live in, I’m talking about everyday, you and me. With the people I meet, I’m going to pretend these things don’t exist. I want to accept you as you are, let you know you’re valuable. I might not even have met you, but I know you’re precious in so many ways. If you feel devalued, I’ve tasted some of that too, but it’s not the mountain it seems. Let’s talk.

In my fantasy, all my friends get along with each other. Nobody intentionally hurts anyone else, and forgiveness is just an apology away. I’m living in a dream world, don’t feel like you have to point that out. The world is full of hurt and sin, I know it. I just choose not to acknowledge it. Germs exist too, but I’ll eat off your floor. Life can be something wonderful, we’re not the victims we think we are.

So I’m going to Starbucks now, because it’s one of my happy places. So many memories, it’s almost paralyzing, but it’s so wonderful. Please give me a call, I’m in the mood to talk. My IM is CovertDni, you’ll find my cell number there, I’m not about to make that a permanent addition to my blog. You can dump on me if life sucks, or just say life is beautiful and hang up. If I don’t talk with you soon, try being happy tonight, regardless of the shit that you might be going through.

I remember when I used to write happy blogs. That was cool, and now that I’m actually happy again, with a need to express myself, I’m going to write a blog entry when I should be writing several lab reports. I’m still writing those things, don’t get me wrong, but first things first.

Funny things about today:
1. The people I work with at the newspaper saw my tattoo
2. My mother saw my tattoo
3. Nobody I know hates me

Things that made me happy:
1. My mother didn’t flip out
2. A best friend called me just to see if I was okay
3. I still have chenille pillows
4. My friends are all awesome

The people at my job are a trip. Things said behind other people’s back are funny to hear, and nobody cares about me, I’m just the new kid. People complain about the boss being cheap, which he probably knows about. People talk of each others eccentricities with disapproval. The VP and the random white British lady are always giving each other a hard time, and it’s funny.

One of the older black ladies who handles the churches that the newspaper tries to get to advertise with them saw my tattoo today, kinda gave me the elderly look of disapproval, but then proceeded to tell me that she bought her children a star, you know, where $50 names a star that nobody cares about. It seemed like it was the only thing she could think of that would make sure I still thought she was cool, not judgmental. For those of you who don’t know, my tattoo is the constellation Orion, tattooed by Freak, about a week ago on the inside of my right ankle, and yeah, I’m happy with it.

My mom and I sat at the table tonight again, talking of life, love, school, and the future. I was shirtless and letting Buddy crawl all over my arm and neck, so it was a really funny picture. Anyway, I cross my leg and she sees it. “Ohhh Mark, did you do that to yourself recently? You didn’t do it permanent, yeah, you did, oh man.” Very disappointed, but after I explained myself she was like, “You at least have your heart in the right place on the most important things. The mistakes I believe you’ve made are in things that aren’t so important.” That felt really good to hear, from someone who disapproves of what I do sometimes.

Seriously, you are all awesome, even those of you who will never read this. I probably don’t tell you enough what you mean to me, but without ya’ll, I wouldn’t want to live. By the way, spell checker says ya’ll is fine, so calm down. Texas is growing on me, which I always knew, but now I’m not so sure I’m going to have to wash it off.

*sigh*, okay, labs.

The mask comes off . . .

“For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow”
-Ecclesiastes 1:18
“I am still seeking but have not found. I have found one man among a thousand, but I have not found a woman among all these”
-Ecclesiastes 7:28

In situations that face you with your powerlessness, there is this momentous decision you can make, and in your own life, it’s the most powerful thing you could ever do. An example in my life was brought to mind last night. In times past I’ve written about the way I open myself very quickly to people with whom I feel a connection, and how this can leave me open to a good deal of hurt. I’ve said that I’d do it again, without reservation. Last night was different.

I believed, for a while, that I wouldn’t ever want to repeat this. This pain was different than any I’d known, save maybe a heartfelt confession to God of my life’s sins. When crying out to God, I asked forgiveness, knowing the thing to do was to turn from sin. This time I really don’t know what the right thing is.

There is something powerful here though, and I have a very important opportunity. I have no control over a lot of things, but I can decide whether to become calloused or not. The situations in life are often out of our control, but our reactions are not. If I find myself in the same situation again, I can choose to open myself completely or put up my guard, I’m not calloused yet. Nobody has ever told me what’s right, so this choice is far from easy.

Do I want to know why? Is the grief worth the wisdom? Can my heart so soon let go? What’s worse, if it can, should it?

And maybe the answers are all personal. Maybe there is not a soul in the world that could tell me what love is. Maybe the next step is only to be taken by myself and God. Maybe I haven’t asked the right people.

. . . And I put it on again. Isn't it a beautiful day today?

Quick thought: I’m driving on my way to Longview, best friends to see, and I noticed an abuse of my tax dollars that kinda upset me. Road signs are meant to help you drive safer, regulate traffic, noble causes. I rarely pay attention to these signs because I’m a bad driver, but today I noticed one and wondered. Textured Pavement Ahead. What the hell do I care? Should I quick pull over and put on my textured tires? Am I supposed to shift into textured drive? If I get into an accident, I can rest assured I’ll be sliding along textured pavement, and that makes me happy. I’m glad I was forewarned.

So I guess blogs still exist. I started reading some of your posts today, all of you. You write so well, I miss hearing your thoughts, I’ve just been so distracted. I’m not promising to get back to writing or reading, though I’d like to. I’m not promising I know anything. I just know what I need to do, and that’s the greatest thing in the world after so much uncertainty.

So life isn’t what I thought, once again. Things are never as they appear, and I’m certain one moment, lost the next. That’s fine, I said I’d do the right thing when it was revealed, it’s time to do what has to be done. Life isn’t supposed to be all fun. It’s time to grow up.

I spent some time talking with my mother the other night, which is not uncommon, though it’s been a while. She brought up, with my encouragement, some aspects of my personality I need to work on. I don’t know how you guys feel about that sort of thing, but I used to hate it. I used to just deny that anyone really knew me, and figure they ought to just accept me the way I am. Well that’s not wrong, it’s just not all. Turns out LeTourneau hit the mark in their first evaluation of me in one respect. I have issues with authority. I’m working on it.

It came to mind when Dan talked about the girl that won’t return his phone calls. I never knew her the way he did, but she was a really fun girl to hang out with, and she won’t return mine either. I think I’m getting to the point where I truly am ready for criticism, I won’t bite your head off. If I’ve wronged you, tell me. If I’m acting the fool, take me aside, I may not see what you do, and I’d really appreciate your insight.

I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, if I truly repent of my evil studying ways, I can still graduate in December. This is just shy of miraculous, in that the sun didn’t have to retreat or anything, but I count it as a great deal of grace. So what now, I’m going to have to cut time short with friends for the next few weeks. That goes against everything I believe in. Relationships are so much more important than studies, but at some point I have to finish this thing. I’ve been at it far to long to let it slip. Among many other areas in my life, it’s time to take the last few steps and move on.

So yeah, this post may not have been pleasant to read, but it sure helped me to write it. Keep up your good work, I like what I’ve read.

“I went to a shrink to analyze my dreams.
She says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down.” - Basketcase, Greenday

Today marks my 10 year anniversary of not posting, suppose it’s time to return, for the sake of my own sanity.

Things change so fast. Buddy is now over three feet long now, when did he grow so much? My semester is nearly over, time to register for another. I keep forgetting I’m even in this one.

Where to now? I feel like more decisions should be made, like I should go look at houses and jobs in other cities. The truth is that my place right now is treading water, and there’s no getting around it. I have yet three classes (Lord willing I pass the ones I’m in now), and they’re just general education requirements, nothing difficult or helpful in my career. I’m jumping through hoops for my license to work. I’m living off loans, betting against my own future.

The truth is I’m ready for responsibility, I’m ready to start my life. The truth is, tonight on the way home from class I bought a six pack and I’m going to stay up talking on the phone with my friends and I’ll be driving down to Longview with the intent to party. So am I lying when I say that first part? I don’t know.