I wrote this and sent it to the CEO of HP, or so the website would have you believe. I wrote it more for the purpose of venting my frustration, and it worked for that. Here it is for your viewing pleasure.

"Frustration is common when dealing with computers, however your technical support team lives by the concept of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing. I have called about 4 or 5 different numbers, each given to me by the previous representative. On previous occasions, I have received contradictory information from each representative.

For a company that is supposed to not only accept new technologies but also deliver them, I find it absurd to need to produce paper copies of receipts that should long ago have been kept in a database.

I also understand that your clientele does not usually include technically proficient individuals, and as such your products are not designed to be easily altered. As I am becoming more proficient, I will make sure that one less competent individual obtains your company's services in the future."

Other than that, work as normal. Can't wait to get back to Longview.

It seems a shame that profundity and eloquence tend to spring from either depression or drug use, and neither of these is really what I want. I’m perfectly happy right now, at least I think I am, and it seems I have absolutely nothing to say. I listen to the troubles of my friends, and all I can think of to say is, I wish I could give you some of my happiness. Life is a roller-coaster, so I can only imagine I’m at a high point, perched precariously, and I should probably take one last breath so I can scream the whole way down. When my life does take a turn for the worse, if it does, then perhaps I’ll have something worth saying. I might even come up with decent metaphors then.

Until then, the excitement in my life is finding my cigar cutters, which came about as I tore through my room looking for CDs with operating systems. I also found a ton of replacement razor blades, some more aftershave, and a whetstone. It’s Christmas in August, and I bought my presents years ago.

I find a lot more of my time now has to be devoted to thinking about things that are utterly mundane, like work, paying bills, credit ratings, insurance, and such. I’m starting to get a little scared that I’m entering real life, at least taking my first few steps. I’m starting to feel like being a career student wouldn’t be so bad, if I didn’t have to age and become that 30-something year old in the back of the class that tries to get invited to parties to feel like a college student. Grad school would surround me with people my own age for a while, but they’re academic types for the most part, and I’m not sure that’d be nearly as fun as college has been thus far, so that’s really not an option either. I suppose we all grow old, and either move on or stagnate.

It’s not all that bad though, I do enjoy a lot less stress. I have free time that I hope to soon begin capitalizing on. Maybe that’ll be what I’m saying 30 years down the road, too.

I was reading some of the things I wrote in journals back a few years ago. I was caught up in the questions of what makes us who we are, what our purpose is, and grandiose concepts like that. I asked in one entry whether dreams had an impact on who we are. If we are the product primarily of our conditioning and surroundings, then what we experience defines a large part of who we are. Dreams are something we experience, and thus should probably be taken note of to better understand who we are. Why do I not seem to care as much any more? I am much more worried about becoming financially stable to better support a family. Maybe I’m changing, and maybe that’s not bad. Then again, I’m writing a post about the contributing factors and current status of my own personality, so maybe not all that much has changed.

When I wrote in my journal several months back that meeting this girl had turned my world around, I didn’t really know what was going on, I was quite simply overcome with a new sensation, an emotional intensity I’d never known before. I don’t suppose I’ve really come to grips with that reality yet, that my mindset has changed. I want to please her, and more than I’ve ever wanted to please my parents, even as a small child. I want to take care of her, and I’ve never really felt that much before. I’ve wanted to help people, and even to be a blessing in their lives, but it wasn’t at all this consuming before.

I guess it’s going to take some time to figure out what this change means, or if it’s permanent. Maybe that’s a choice I can make, and I need to figure it out, and make up my mind. Anyway, sleep is critical to thought, I think, so I’m off to bed.

Life as an intern is some funny stuff. As it turns out, nobody intends to tell me what I’m supposed to do. This is good in that I get to do pretty much whatever I want. This is bad in that they still have a level of expectation, so I need to do things that they want done, without the luxury of being told anything about how to accomplish them, or even who to ask for help. I’m given access to the company phone directory, and let loose to do what damage I can. This should prove to be interesting

I have had the most dreadful time staying awake lately, and it seems the unconscious world is trying to take over my life. I find myself so drowsy that dreams start before I’m even asleep, and cause me to wildly misinterpret the reality around me. This adds excitement to boring data entry, but believe me, it sure doesn’t help my communication skills. It’s funny that I should be sleep deprived without a single class to go to, but I guess old habits die hard.

This post is brought to you by the below average performance of Mrs. Hoffpauir’s computer. Contributions to the Hoffpauir Computer Rehabilitation Fund may be directed to this fine young lady. Due to radio silence with my better half, I have the need to talk out loud, so I thought typing beats the strange looks my family gives me when I’m mumbling to myself.

I’m a little scared about a recent trend I’ve noticed: I don’t think very much anymore. I’m not sure how this happened, and I’m not entirely sure I ever did actually think, but I’ve got some leftover proof that I’ve written a good paper or two in my lifetime, and even completed a decent size project. Surely those required thought. And back in high school, the round table, we debated life every Sunday night. I seem to remember thinking then, but then again high school was a time for delusions. If I just one day up and stopped thinking, then that’s a good thing because the solution is to just start up again. If it was a thought process that led me to quit thinking, then I worry if I can reverse the process, since it would probably require thinking to go back, and that’s exactly what I don’t do anymore.

I hope that reading the blogs you all so faithfully keep may help, and who knows, I might even start back up with keeping track of current events. I’m starting to feel it again, I might just be capable of this whole thinking business! Then again a quick read of CNN shows that cricket spitting, watching mars, and people blowing things up in the middle east just about wraps up the news. Maybe I’ll just read blogs. You guys will let me know about the important stuff right?

For the first time in about 15 years, I’m not going to be going to school in the fall. I knew this would happen eventually, and I knew it was going to be soon, I was just hoping I would have a degree when it did. The deal is, SBC has offered to extend my employment through the fall. The project they want me to work on is business requirement documentation, and I’ll be working with the project manager in IT to get things started. So this isn’t the job of my dreams, but it relates to computer science, pays decently, and will defer my loans while paying off my credit cards, as well as bulking up my rather thin resume. The downside is she still lives two hours away.

I had expected this for almost a week now, but I didn’t know for sure until this morning. It’s funny how the expectation of a thing, regardless of its probability, can make it seem like life as usual even when everything’s changing. My whole focus has shifted. I’m looking into how to save my poor decrepit car the hardship of a weekly trip to Longview and back. I’m starting to think of how to spend my now enormous amount of spare time. I’m hoping to write more, and all the usual self-improvement items that come up when I’m given extra time. Who knows. I’ve quit smoking for four days now, so there’s a start.

Tomorrow I’m going to San Francisco with my mother. She’s been wanting to take a trip with each of the four kids, and I’m the last of the three since I’ve been so busy this summer. I’ll be gone until about midnight Tuesday night. I’m excited to get some extra sleep, see Alcatraz, and spend time with my Mom, but it is Friday night, and I’m neither partying, nor spending time with the woman I love. That’s discouraging, even with a frappuccino to keep me company. C4, if you read this, sorry for ditching. I’ll try to make it up to you. Plus, we’ll be rooming together in the aftermath of some very special Christmas celebrations. Bildo would know what I mean.

So, the summer draws to a close, and I’m no nearer the life altering realization than when I started. Every time a new season comes around, I have these hopes that through it all, I’ll become the self-assured adult with strong sense of identity that I’ve always wanted to be. Well, maybe I’ll quit smoking and call it good, maybe that’s something personally significant.

I’ve found out a lot more about others though, I’ll grant that, and for it I’m glad, especially the young lady I’m dating. Everyday I learn something new about people, and some nuance is picked up that wasn’t before known. I’ve learned a bit about how love works, and how it doesn’t. I’ve learned how important honesty is. I’m always learning how important honesty is. It’s just that I honestly still don’t know exactly what I’m doing, supposed to be doing, and how to get from here to there. I know it’s in God’s hands, why can’t I leave it there? I’m not saying that to sound like a holy someone asking a rhetorical question, I’m serious, Why can’t I leave well enough alone in my own life?

I’ll tell you this much, I’m sleeping, and I’m praying, for the first time, that my laundry does shrink in the dryer. I know I need to work out, but seriously, why can’t I find a low cost shirt that has less X’s than the red-light district? Okay, I’m tired, and I’ll shut up now.

Well, it’s good to be free, if only partially. Tonight I can lay aside my little audio amplifier friend and not think about him for the rest of my life, if I so choose. I believe it went well, my project functioned about as well as anybody else’s. Nobody really knew what they were doing, and God blessed my efforts, so I guess I’ll be passing. This means I got home in time to sleep, and that is the greatest blessing of all, one I’m going to take full advantage of in a short while.

A lot of thoughts floating through your head have an interesting effect on your state of mind. At times it’s a very heady experience (bad pun, no way around it.). You feel rather intellectual having such a broad range of thoughts. For me however, the interesting thing is a lack of conclusions, no headway made. (okay, head is now the running joke of this post, so heads up. . . . .I hate myself.)

One of the predominant thoughts of this evening has been that I now have a completely new perspective on success and failure. The happiness I felt at a successfully completed task turned me into a small child, longing to show the woman he cares for how he did, hoping she’ll be happy too. It’s no longer my mother, it’s her, and it’s not quite the same, but the funny thing is, I wanted her there when I had that feeling of exultation. Life just seems more full when she’s with me.

Sleep, and far overdue. I can’t wait to get back to writing, it’s such a great release, and so is finishing up school. Goodnight.