Here I am, confused as hell
And I'm tired too, and it's just as well
Sleep keeps me from thinking, of anything at all
Running full speed to dead ends, my head bashing life's wall
Sometimes I don't know just what I'm to do
I suppose that you might . . . well good for you
At least I'm striving, and I really am trying . . .
No wait, I'm just lying, I selfishly choose
Between you and me, and sometimes you lose
More than often you do, so I suppose I do too
These weak hands are mine, but I know I'll keep gripping
And finding I'm slipping, letting my life unwind
I'm fighting for wrong causes, just waiting for long pauses
Where I can stay silent and silently judge you
Superior to you, way ahead and above you
Holier than thou, I don't even know how
To speak words that are kind when I open my mind
Thinking thoughts that would shame you
But not me, the content fool
I'll just walk on by, twinkle stuck in my eye
Whistle some lame-ass song, don't even care right or wrong
'Cause I'm captain of soul, pretty good on the whole
Think you're better than me? I know better than you
I've got myself to tell me of what's good and true
So why can't I smile when nobody's there?
Is my heart now dead, or just hidden somewhere?
Why am I lonely in this big city's middle?
Why should my God be left to play second fiddle?
Could I be all that bad?
Am I quite this depraved?
Did it take Jesus' death just for me to be saved?
Would He take me back? Can I be worth His while
When I'm on the wrong track, and faking my next smile?
Dear God, hold me close, when I'm stubborn morose
And pry stubborn fingers, I long to be free
I'm full sick of myself, Please take me from me
By the way, I'm fine right now, I'm really not that depressed. I am a little tired, and a little confused. And I'm always upset at my own selfish tendencies. This is me from time to time I suppose, but right now I'm blessed beyond measure. Don't ask why I didn't write happier, your guess is as good as mine.
Jul 28, 2003
Jul 9, 2003
An incredible feeling of peace and release has come over me since last night. I was headed to bed early, waiting next to my phone for someone precious to call me, and I couldn’t quite drift off to sleep. It was a thought in the back of my head that I should read the Bible. Not so much an obligation, but just somehow that it needed to be done, and right then. The ribbon in my New Testament was set at Colossians, so I started there.
I still haven’t really read much recently, I’ve picked it up a few times, and I’ve really been talking with God about my life, asking forgiveness, asking direction, just asking Him to draw me close again. This book was interesting, and it was just what I needed to read right now. It really hit me this time reading it that Paul himself wrote it by hand, rather than having anyone else write it down for him. As I was reading through, it seemed for the first time in a long time like it was actually about life, even my life, and not just a bunch of old dead people.
The most amazing thing it said, at least in how it relates to my life right now, was in chapter two, verses twenty through twenty three. It talks about moral laws and says, “If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, ‘Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!’ (which all refer to things destined to perish with use), in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence.”
This is exactly where I’m at. I’m constantly trying to figure out what I can do to keep in a “holy” state of mind. Lust, pride, envy, even sloth continue to plague my mind from time to time, and every time I’m reminded by God that I’ve failed to focus on Him, I feel like next time all I need is to just….and it never works. The answer is not in plans or procedures, perfectly thought out ways of avoiding temptation, the answer is in chapter three verse two, “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.”
I know it sounds like a Sunday school lesson, and it’s obvious, but it really spoke to me. After leaving it alone for so long, I’m surprised by how much I need it. It’s amazing, several times today I’ve actually wanted to read the Bible, and couldn’t because I’d left it at home. Many times before I simply have read because I felt I had to, and then moved on to the book I really wanted to read, whatever it was at the time.
I don’t know what all this sounds like, probably puffed up and proud, but I’m not. I’m coming along very slowly, and feel like the backward child that He continuously has to remind to simply trust and stay focused on Him. Maybe it sounds naïve, perhaps I sound like Pollyanna. All I know is He’s still working on me, just wanted to thank Him and let you all know.
I really want to start writing more, and have some ideas I’d like criticism on. I’m adding a permanent link to my other blog which has remained abandoned for some time. Check it out if you have the time, and by the way, I prefer negative criticism, especially on my fiction.
I still haven’t really read much recently, I’ve picked it up a few times, and I’ve really been talking with God about my life, asking forgiveness, asking direction, just asking Him to draw me close again. This book was interesting, and it was just what I needed to read right now. It really hit me this time reading it that Paul himself wrote it by hand, rather than having anyone else write it down for him. As I was reading through, it seemed for the first time in a long time like it was actually about life, even my life, and not just a bunch of old dead people.
The most amazing thing it said, at least in how it relates to my life right now, was in chapter two, verses twenty through twenty three. It talks about moral laws and says, “If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, ‘Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!’ (which all refer to things destined to perish with use), in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence.”
This is exactly where I’m at. I’m constantly trying to figure out what I can do to keep in a “holy” state of mind. Lust, pride, envy, even sloth continue to plague my mind from time to time, and every time I’m reminded by God that I’ve failed to focus on Him, I feel like next time all I need is to just….and it never works. The answer is not in plans or procedures, perfectly thought out ways of avoiding temptation, the answer is in chapter three verse two, “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.”
I know it sounds like a Sunday school lesson, and it’s obvious, but it really spoke to me. After leaving it alone for so long, I’m surprised by how much I need it. It’s amazing, several times today I’ve actually wanted to read the Bible, and couldn’t because I’d left it at home. Many times before I simply have read because I felt I had to, and then moved on to the book I really wanted to read, whatever it was at the time.
I don’t know what all this sounds like, probably puffed up and proud, but I’m not. I’m coming along very slowly, and feel like the backward child that He continuously has to remind to simply trust and stay focused on Him. Maybe it sounds naïve, perhaps I sound like Pollyanna. All I know is He’s still working on me, just wanted to thank Him and let you all know.
I really want to start writing more, and have some ideas I’d like criticism on. I’m adding a permanent link to my other blog which has remained abandoned for some time. Check it out if you have the time, and by the way, I prefer negative criticism, especially on my fiction.
Jul 8, 2003
I’d like to write more often, but it seems I’m already biting off more than I can chew. Between working and studying I drive to Longview. I’m still trying to find where sleep fits into all this. Strange things happen when you’re sleep deprived, like waking up from a nap to hear your father nagging you to get more sleep. Stranger yet are the rhythms your body gets into. I can be completely exhausted all day, but once the sun starts to set, I can feel life beginning. By the time I set my alarm clock and get to bed, I’m at my most alert.
The funny thing is, I should be able to sleep and work at the same time since it requires such little brain activity. Another funny thing about this situation is that I’ve always regarded sleep as a leisure activity, certainly not something to be done as a matter of responsibility. The Bible warns of a little sleeping, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, but I don’t remember reading anything exhorting me to get a good night’s sleep. Of course, written to a culture where probably very few people would consider staying awake far into the night, I suppose it was assumed then that you slept at night, and sleeping while it was light was the only thing to worry about.
I feel like writing about dreams again, but instead I’ll just dream. Maybe tomorrow will lend itself to writing. Maybe I’ll wake up early. Maybe want will come in like an armed man, and I’ll realize that Proverbs was right.
The funny thing is, I should be able to sleep and work at the same time since it requires such little brain activity. Another funny thing about this situation is that I’ve always regarded sleep as a leisure activity, certainly not something to be done as a matter of responsibility. The Bible warns of a little sleeping, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, but I don’t remember reading anything exhorting me to get a good night’s sleep. Of course, written to a culture where probably very few people would consider staying awake far into the night, I suppose it was assumed then that you slept at night, and sleeping while it was light was the only thing to worry about.
I feel like writing about dreams again, but instead I’ll just dream. Maybe tomorrow will lend itself to writing. Maybe I’ll wake up early. Maybe want will come in like an armed man, and I’ll realize that Proverbs was right.
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