Balance is something hard to find in my life, when I so value extremes as to eclipse any sense of it. Longing and patience in the relationship with the woman I love. Financial planning and reliance upon God to meet my needs. Self expression and humility mixed with tact. These things are difficult to pursue because they’re all good, but each requires the check provided by its pair to be what it should. I’m anxious again, and in part due to lack of sleep. I plan on fixing that by partying this weekend with some of my best friends, go figure.

If you read this and don’t talk to me on a regular basis, let me inform you that I no longer work regularly for MON-The Gazette, the paper of choice for North Dallas African Americans, I now have an internship with SBC. I’m also taking Electronics II over again, trying with all my might to get a decent grade, but at the very least to pass this time. That’s about it for the day to day life.

Last night an interesting thing happened, I found out what the two actual causes for one of my greatest sources of fright are. I have for a long time heard the half dead residents of my family’s attic at night. The first night I slept in my room, I heard them moving in. They were sliding boxes around and I could also hear their limp, dead limbs dragging across my ceiling. At times I could hear them mumbling to each other using inarticulate grunts, and at times I could hear them trying to loosen the screws to the vent which supplies my room with air. I thought at first that it must be a tree limb or some such thing on the outside of the house. Imagine my fear increasing as I found there are no trees near this side of the house. This may sound crazy, but I’m actually disappointed to find the true source of the noises.

It turns out the deep sounds of them moving and speaking were supplied by my father’s unique sinus configuration. The sound of their fingers loosening my vent cover were contributed by my brilliant snake Buddy who is constantly trying to escape his aquarium on one of my bookshelves. So I sleep a little easier, saddened by the loss of some pretty good shivers.

I missed talking with her tonight by a few minutes, and though I’ll get to see her lovely face tomorrow, I miss her with every fiber of my being. Something inside me compels me to let others know just how much I love you sweetheart. My life has changed so much since meeting you, and I can’t thank you or God enough for all that has come to pass, and all I now hope and pray for in the future.

To all who read this despite my delinquency in updating, thank you for providing me with encouragement to write just by dropping by. I feel just a bit more alive when I’ve had the chance to write. Sleep comes easier knowing my thoughts are saved, and knowing that I have to make some sense of them before typing them helps sort them out in my mind. My mind is at ease, thanks again, goodnight.

Written last night around midnight

I don’t seem to learn very quickly. I found myself in a funky mood tonight, and there’s several reasons for that. I’m sleep deprived, and this is a major factor. I shouldn’t trust any of my emotions when I’m running on about 4 hours or less per night. I misinterpret my own actions, my own feelings, other people’s words, I should barely be allowed to speak in such a condition.

This brings up a very important point: I’ve found the most wonderful woman in all the world. No one besides God has been so patient with me, ever. She called me tonight and though her day had stress as well, she comforted and re-assured me, said she’d pray for me. I want to be there emotionally for her, very much, but tonight through little things she was there for me. God I thank you for her.

So, the reason I’ve been a bit off tonight really was that in the last couple days I’ve been planning out my whole life. I’ve been trying to fit everything all nicely into a bulleted list, and develop action items to become the captain of my soul.

It’s ironic that one of the most important things I want for today and the future is a better relationship with God. So I’m sitting there trying to figure out how I’m going to accomplish everything, when one of the things I want to accomplish is to surrender to Him.

I couldn’t sleep tonight, so I talked to Him for a while and admitted again how slow I am at grasping such a simple concept. It’s unreal how awesome He is, and it’s so good to know He’s the same, even when I waffle back and forth with the prevailing wind.

I guess I can sleep now.

So, now that I’ve waited another year or so since writing last, I suppose it’d feel good to throw some more random thoughts out on the water and let them sail off on the online sea.

I’m tired of selling advertising over the phone, and it’s been less than a week. I’m trying to convince the companies I call to buy advertising in an African American newspaper. I explain to them the value of marketing to the black readership of North Dallas, because that’s who I am, and that’s who I care about.

I’m disappointed in Arlington for not paying their half cent sales tax so that I could ride public transportation from my job to my school. At first blush, this would appear to be a horrible whine on my part for not receiving a handout, but the fact is, over half of my school’s land is covered in asphalt, and I contribute daily to the onslaught of carbon monoxide assaulting this section of the Metroplex. I doubt anyone seriously minds chipping in a buck or two to let poor people ride the bus. I think a few more trees and a few less parking spaces would be appreciated by the masses too.

So I’ve got bamboo and a snake now, both looking to me to provide and care for them. The responsibility required is just about right for where I am, for now. I hope God works on me in the next few years. I’m really feeling young, wondering when I’ll feel the adult I’m supposed to be. In ways I’m ready to move on and take more responsibility, in ways I’d kinda like to buy a one way ticket to Australia and just hitch rides from one city to the next with a best friend. How do you reconcile such opposite desires?

I’m tired, and despite C4’s belief to the contrary, I don’t sleep enough. I’ll ramble more later.