It’s remarkable what a little sleep can do for you. I woke up a new person, and my life no longer felt so dreary and meaningless. Well, almost.
My dad comes in and wakes me up to start. I look up with my eyes in the smallest of slits to see him fiddling with the printer, which is the only one in the house. We have all the computers in the house networked, so he’s trying to print something off of his machine which is now in the living room. He asks me if I know what time it is, and I mumble that I do, putting my head back down. He then states that he’s having trouble getting the printer to work, so I grab my comforter, and pull it over my head. Dad does not read non-verbal communication at all. He then talks for several minutes with little or no reaction from me until I realize I’m not getting anymore sleep. So it begins.
My day was really quite empty, I spent it unloading and cleaning my car in anticipation of seeing her tonight. That didn’t work out, which is why I’m writing. I spent my afternoon waging war against Microsoft Word in an attempt to write official correspondence for Minority Opportunity News – The Gazette, a local special interest paper. I’m very pleased with this job, my boss is awesome, and everyone I’ve met in the office is friendly. I hate Word however. It really only exists to make sure that I’m not too productive. Writing simple letters is one thing, but when you’re playing with margins and tables and labels, it decides to play with you.
Anyway, my first quizzes are tomorrow, so until I see you next time, beware the university censors.
Jan 29, 2003
I’m exhausted, so read this if you dare, but please don’t be upset with me, I’m so tired I shouldn’t legally be able to drive a car.
Today has been trying, and tonight I gave a valiant effort to give up. I’ll write what I felt, though I’ve gained new perspective since. Forgive me, I sound like a whiney little kid here.
I woke up this morning with a wonderful feeling. There’s no simple way of describing it, but it involves a massive headache and the question, “Dear God, did I actually sleep at all last night?” racing through your throbbing head over and over. Hot water was somehow exhausted prematurely during my shower, which unfortunately gets me more worked up than a commercial with Carrot Top. And that gets me worked up quite often and quite severely. So I grabbed some food and headed off.
I slept on and off through most of my classes today, experiencing one of the many things I enjoy about sleep deprivation, mini dreams. You can take almost anything you see, hear, or think about, and if you’re tired enough, it takes on a life of its own. Equations on the board, which started out describing circuits, magically start weaving a story about your divorcing a girl you’ve never met. My subconscious desire for meaning assigns random meanings to the seemingly trivial, and I enjoy every minute of it, though it doesn’t really help me on the test.
I found out today that my financial aid is being withheld and that I may have all of my classes dropped within the next few days. Due to my oversight, caused by simultaneously going to three schools, my official transcript is still missing at UTA, and since I didn’t take the TASP, they’re not sure I can read. Honestly. They still want verification by test results that I could pass the reading portion, and I’ve completed 115 credit hours. I find it all highly amusing. If all goes well, things will be resolved, but it’s not over yet.
I then had an unusually great day in lab. Either I or one of my lab partners hooked up a piece of equipment wrong, and we spent 2 hours tracking down the problem, and then started over. During this my mother is leaving messages on my phone saying I need to get to a fax machine in the next 20 minutes, or my semester is down the drain. False alarm, lab got finished, by the grace and mercy of God and my lab instructor.
So, I came home, ate supper, and lay down, my parents telling me they’d wake me up in like 20 minutes, in time to make it to my last class. They woke me up 5 minutes before class began, and said sorry, they were busy. Oh well, teacher is lax. Learned many wonderful geeky things, including things about zombie state process children, fascinating.
So then I’m sitting there at home wondering what the point is. God is obviously working things out in my life, and I was very grateful, but at the same time I’m continuously faced with the fact that no matter how hard I try, my efforts yield nothing. At the same time, if I’m not trying at all, then God won’t do the same things he would if I was active. I felt like I was spinning my wheels, just waiting for the moment God puts me down on the road again.
Anyway, I was tired, and disappointed with my role in life. I’m actually really happy, I’ve met the most wonderful girl in the world, and every moment I think of her I’m made so exceedingly happy that I don’t know how to contain or express myself. I wish I affected someone that way, or maybe that reaction alone is simply immaturity and I should just grow up. I don’t really care right now which it is, I’m just enjoying. I’ve got a job, I will eventually graduate from college, my parents are still together and we’ve got food and a house. Almost everyday, even while driving around the Dallas Metroplex to attend school, I’m just grinning ear to ear because things are going so well.
The problem is that I’m only looking at the high points, or I was. I look back on today, and it was life, and very full at that. It was stressful, uncomfortable, upsetting, but it was living, I was far from only existing. I don’t have any idea where my life is going, but I’m sure as hell going to live it tomorrow.
By the way, Kyle has now updated his page, and that means you must go take a look. Sadly you can’t comment on it until you either join Xanga or he gets a universal commenting service. Also, recipe for getting me sick: 8 hours of sleep in several days, running, working out, not eating several meals, taking hits off an inhaler that expired three years ago, and eating cheesecake left out all day and night. I suppose sleep is in order.
Jan 27, 2003
I’m a little upset right now, and it’s funny that no particular event has caused me to feel this way, I’ve just been thinking. And as usual, I don’t understand
Dan’s blog started me thinking about homosexuality. I was raised in a conservative home, and continuously was exposed to people telling me that gay men simply chose to be gay, they certainly weren’t born with that mindset. This makes it very easy to swallow spoonful after spoonful of anti-gay sentiment, after all, the logical conclusion is that in some part of a gay man’s subconscious, he’s shaking his fist at God saying, “Look, I don’t respect you, so I’ve decided to start physically wanting other men, just so I can reject the way you set things up.”
Sit down and very calmly, if only for a few seconds, think about this. I’ll assume most of you are heterosexual males. If you’re a woman, then you can try following my argument by inverting gender when appropriate, but I’m not directly writing to you. Think for a second about what would motivate you to simply stop physically wanting women. Coming up with anything? I didn’t think so. So explain to me this sin, and not with scripture references simply stating the fact of what without touching why. “It is something the Lord abhors.” Thanks for the stunning insight, why am I still confused?
One “explanation” offered is that we all struggle with different sinful desires, and for some, homosexuality is just one of them. Fine, let’s look at me for an example. I’ve stolen before. I stole because I wanted something that I didn’t have. I didn’t sin in wanting it, I sinned in taking it under the wrong circumstances. I’ve lusted before. I lust because I desired sex with a woman. I didn’t sin in the desire for sex, I sinned in desiring it under the wrong circumstances. But what about the man who longs for physical contact with another man? Are you saying that the desire itself is innately wrong? All the sins I can think of stem from something good, but are warped and destroyed by selfishness. How can the same be true of homosexual thoughts?
You might have a partially valid point if you said that some sins, such as murder, stem from nothing good. I don’t fully agree, but I’ll argue this point at a later time. However here’s a follow-up question for you: If I desire to kill someone, then I should probably spend more time learning to love my neighbor. I should volunteer to help feed the homeless, perhaps gain a new appreciation for human life. I probably didn’t spend nearly enough time showing love to others while I was growing up. On the other hand, if I desire sexual relations with another man, then what was I supposed to do? Did I not spend enough time looking at hetero-porn while growing up? Do I go to a strip club to “get back on track with God?”
So now what would you do in this man’s shoes? I ask you again, what would cause you to stop desiring sex with a woman and start wanting another man? If you simply shudder and say, “That’s sick”, then stop for a minute and remember that you’re asking the gay man to do exactly that.
Dan’s blog started me thinking about homosexuality. I was raised in a conservative home, and continuously was exposed to people telling me that gay men simply chose to be gay, they certainly weren’t born with that mindset. This makes it very easy to swallow spoonful after spoonful of anti-gay sentiment, after all, the logical conclusion is that in some part of a gay man’s subconscious, he’s shaking his fist at God saying, “Look, I don’t respect you, so I’ve decided to start physically wanting other men, just so I can reject the way you set things up.”
Sit down and very calmly, if only for a few seconds, think about this. I’ll assume most of you are heterosexual males. If you’re a woman, then you can try following my argument by inverting gender when appropriate, but I’m not directly writing to you. Think for a second about what would motivate you to simply stop physically wanting women. Coming up with anything? I didn’t think so. So explain to me this sin, and not with scripture references simply stating the fact of what without touching why. “It is something the Lord abhors.” Thanks for the stunning insight, why am I still confused?
One “explanation” offered is that we all struggle with different sinful desires, and for some, homosexuality is just one of them. Fine, let’s look at me for an example. I’ve stolen before. I stole because I wanted something that I didn’t have. I didn’t sin in wanting it, I sinned in taking it under the wrong circumstances. I’ve lusted before. I lust because I desired sex with a woman. I didn’t sin in the desire for sex, I sinned in desiring it under the wrong circumstances. But what about the man who longs for physical contact with another man? Are you saying that the desire itself is innately wrong? All the sins I can think of stem from something good, but are warped and destroyed by selfishness. How can the same be true of homosexual thoughts?
You might have a partially valid point if you said that some sins, such as murder, stem from nothing good. I don’t fully agree, but I’ll argue this point at a later time. However here’s a follow-up question for you: If I desire to kill someone, then I should probably spend more time learning to love my neighbor. I should volunteer to help feed the homeless, perhaps gain a new appreciation for human life. I probably didn’t spend nearly enough time showing love to others while I was growing up. On the other hand, if I desire sexual relations with another man, then what was I supposed to do? Did I not spend enough time looking at hetero-porn while growing up? Do I go to a strip club to “get back on track with God?”
So now what would you do in this man’s shoes? I ask you again, what would cause you to stop desiring sex with a woman and start wanting another man? If you simply shudder and say, “That’s sick”, then stop for a minute and remember that you’re asking the gay man to do exactly that.
12:57 AM
This blog brought to you by Mark’s lack of interest in homework.
First of all, imagine if you will, a cold winter’s evening. You’re a 20 something guy at this girl’s house, up late in the night talking. You’ve got very little experience at dealing with the emotions brought up by romantic interest, and as such you’re awkward and embarrassed at times, prone to long silences and unfinished sentences. Amazingly enough, she remains calm, just as you would expect from someone with greater understanding and greater confidence, but it’s still remarkable and humbling. Your only real fear is that you’ll make so great a fool of yourself that no recovery will be possible.
Now imagine that you say goodnight and meander outside, thinking of warm starlight and soft music. Walking out to your car, you reach into your pockets and discover that there are no car keys there. I don’t think a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is the best description, waves of abject horror engulfing you more accurately captures the moment.
You frantically search your pockets five times to make certain that you’re guilty of more than a mild scare, then quickly and quietly knock on the door and mumble incoherently that you’ve lost your keys. Much activity ensues involving barking dogs, opening and shutting of garage doors, and searching for flashlights, and ending with you waking the young lady’s mother up to drive you home. Well, I suppose that fear was premonition now wasn’t it? Well, fear confronted is better than that unknown. She really is wonderful, you realize, as is her mother. You worry a lot.
Now imagine you’ve just been granted an interview for a minority run newspaper. You’re a little concerned that since you’re not a minority yet (shifting demographics are funny things, but anyway, you’re white for now), you may not get the position, And you don’t have a clue what you’d be doing anyway, AND they’ll probably ask you what you expect to be paid, and you hate answering that question.
So you cleverly remember to remove your tongue piercing on the way in to better convey a more professional image, and place said piercing in your breast pocket. You go through the interview, which is short but smooth, he offers you a little more than you ask to be paid, and agrees to work with your schedule. As you leave, you bend down to pick up your papers and coat after being told to come in the next day to start work, and drop your sunglasses out of your shirt pocket while in your new boss’s office. You think nothing of it, pick them up and move outside, saying goodbye one last time. As you get into your car, you reach into your shirt pocket to retrieve the piercing to replace it. It’s not there. I wonder how new bosses like fining oral implements like that on their office floor. I hope I never find out.
Jan 23, 2003
Bureaucracy can be a beautiful thing. I was amused greatly on Tuesday by several events. To begin, I signed up for a lab on Tuesdays. I did this because I’m taking the course in Arlington, over an hour’s drive from my house, and as my car is old and leaks oil like a sock, I don’t enjoy making extra trips to what feels on some days like El Paso. The lab on Tuesdays is right after U.S. history, but ends early enough that I can drive back to UT Dallas for my operating systems class. On the second day of class they changed the schedule dramatically, so since I couldn’t call on MLK day, I waited and switched sections right before class on Tuesday, taking the Monday lab. I then went to class to find out the schedule was back to the original. So after class I went to switch them back, and the office was closed. I eventually got the schedule back, and it’s Tuesdays and Thursdays only again, thank God.
Finances are another issue at UT Arlington however. About a week ago I received notice from the FAFSA people that my information had been sent to UTA. I called them up to confirm this, only to be told that they only download new information on Tuesday mornings. Why? Lord only knows, maybe they’ve got dial up. So this Tuesday I was told that they had my information and would be sending out a paper for me to sign. They wanted to mail it to my house, so I could then mail it back. I’m taking a class 2 minutes walking distance from their office and they want to mail it. I went to talk them out of it, only to find out I had plenty of time, because they also don’t mail things out except on Tuesday mornings. I can pick it up next Tuesday. Then I sign it, and it'll take about two weeks, probably be available on a Tuesday. Now the office is open throughout the week, this I’ve ascertained. What I haven’t figured out is what they do between Tuesdays. I’m thinking of applying.
I had quite a time today filling out yet another on computer application, this time at Wal-Mart. If you haven’t had the privilege of doing this before, let me give you the high points. There’s a dirty public computer, situated either in a dirty room, or in this case right next to one of the benches in the layaway area. You type in all of your standard information, and then comes the survey.
This is where it gets interesting. You occasionally get a survey like this on paper, but you always get it on the computer. It’s like those surveys you get in chapel, with 10 variations from strongly disagree to strongly agree for each question. You get to answer things like how much you’ve stolen, if you think it’d be right to fire an employee for stealing, if you’ve experimented with drugs, if you think other people have experimented with drugs, if you think they should be fired for using drugs, many stupid questions.
Do you think many people succeed in business because of who they know?
Yeah, no duh dumbshit, so I’ll say no because that means I’ll work hard believing that my contribution to your retail store will affect my future.
Do you think many people have tried marijuana?
Yeah, I know them, so I’ll say no, nobody tries weed, and neither would I.
Do hourly employees usually grow lax in their work if not constantly supervised?
Do I look stupid? Of course they do, I see them everyday, so I’ll say no, they’re always hard working and so am I.
I’m off to sleep because I have early and late classes tomorrow. For those of you in Longview, I’ll be in town on Friday, hopefully see you then. Don’t talk about personal things over IM, be sure to check out Kyle and Amy’s blogs if you haven’t, and rejoice, for Strong Bad is back.
Finances are another issue at UT Arlington however. About a week ago I received notice from the FAFSA people that my information had been sent to UTA. I called them up to confirm this, only to be told that they only download new information on Tuesday mornings. Why? Lord only knows, maybe they’ve got dial up. So this Tuesday I was told that they had my information and would be sending out a paper for me to sign. They wanted to mail it to my house, so I could then mail it back. I’m taking a class 2 minutes walking distance from their office and they want to mail it. I went to talk them out of it, only to find out I had plenty of time, because they also don’t mail things out except on Tuesday mornings. I can pick it up next Tuesday. Then I sign it, and it'll take about two weeks, probably be available on a Tuesday. Now the office is open throughout the week, this I’ve ascertained. What I haven’t figured out is what they do between Tuesdays. I’m thinking of applying.
I had quite a time today filling out yet another on computer application, this time at Wal-Mart. If you haven’t had the privilege of doing this before, let me give you the high points. There’s a dirty public computer, situated either in a dirty room, or in this case right next to one of the benches in the layaway area. You type in all of your standard information, and then comes the survey.
This is where it gets interesting. You occasionally get a survey like this on paper, but you always get it on the computer. It’s like those surveys you get in chapel, with 10 variations from strongly disagree to strongly agree for each question. You get to answer things like how much you’ve stolen, if you think it’d be right to fire an employee for stealing, if you’ve experimented with drugs, if you think other people have experimented with drugs, if you think they should be fired for using drugs, many stupid questions.
Do you think many people succeed in business because of who they know?
Yeah, no duh dumbshit, so I’ll say no because that means I’ll work hard believing that my contribution to your retail store will affect my future.
Do you think many people have tried marijuana?
Yeah, I know them, so I’ll say no, nobody tries weed, and neither would I.
Do hourly employees usually grow lax in their work if not constantly supervised?
Do I look stupid? Of course they do, I see them everyday, so I’ll say no, they’re always hard working and so am I.
I’m off to sleep because I have early and late classes tomorrow. For those of you in Longview, I’ll be in town on Friday, hopefully see you then. Don’t talk about personal things over IM, be sure to check out Kyle and Amy’s blogs if you haven’t, and rejoice, for Strong Bad is back.
Jan 21, 2003
… there are no words to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematicians that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one. That is why, in spite of a hundred disadvantages, the world will always return to monogamy.
-G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday
I’m a conglomeration of random thoughts today, so that’s it:
Why must Homestar be taken from us, even temporarily? There’s enough horror in this world, but not being able to watch Strongbad emails is cruel and unusual. If anyone hears anything, keep me posted.
Top 5 books to read:
1.East of Eden, John Steinbeck
2.High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
3.The Rainbow, D.H. Lawrence
4.The Garden of Eden, Ernest Hemmingway
5.To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Top 5 movies to see:
1.The pianist
2.Chicago
3.The Hours
4.Raging Bull
5.Young Frankenstein
My mind is otherwise consumed with thoughts of last night, stayed up until 4:30 talking with a good friend of mine. There’s a wonderful feeling of comfort and excitement in discovering relationships that somehow feel destined to become and stay strong. I remember a night talking with Brian Lee in the park near my house, not long after I’d met him, smoking a cigar, discussing girls and God, and it just hit me that we’d be best of friends for the rest of our lives. I had known this even earlier on, we just felt open with each other, and uniquely able to understand each other, and quickly decided to be roommates. What followed was and is awesome, but there was something incredible, akin to the feelings at the beginning of a romantic relationship that accompanied getting to know him. I felt that way last night, and still do. Trying not to get ahead of myself, but I’m still hopeful.
-G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday
I’m a conglomeration of random thoughts today, so that’s it:
Why must Homestar be taken from us, even temporarily? There’s enough horror in this world, but not being able to watch Strongbad emails is cruel and unusual. If anyone hears anything, keep me posted.
Top 5 books to read:
1.East of Eden, John Steinbeck
2.High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
3.The Rainbow, D.H. Lawrence
4.The Garden of Eden, Ernest Hemmingway
5.To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
Top 5 movies to see:
1.The pianist
2.Chicago
3.The Hours
4.Raging Bull
5.Young Frankenstein
My mind is otherwise consumed with thoughts of last night, stayed up until 4:30 talking with a good friend of mine. There’s a wonderful feeling of comfort and excitement in discovering relationships that somehow feel destined to become and stay strong. I remember a night talking with Brian Lee in the park near my house, not long after I’d met him, smoking a cigar, discussing girls and God, and it just hit me that we’d be best of friends for the rest of our lives. I had known this even earlier on, we just felt open with each other, and uniquely able to understand each other, and quickly decided to be roommates. What followed was and is awesome, but there was something incredible, akin to the feelings at the beginning of a romantic relationship that accompanied getting to know him. I felt that way last night, and still do. Trying not to get ahead of myself, but I’m still hopeful.
Jan 18, 2003
Apparently, along with being a transient, I’m also a child. There are times like tonight when I read of such intense emotions as fear, love, longing, sorrow, and I’m moved, but I’m also shamed. I’m ashamed of how simple I am, knowing that somehow I should have grown up by now. I’m sitting here at 2:30 in the morning eating Vegetable Thins, talking to a best friend (Chrissy), and drinking faux Mountain Dew after just finishing another book. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier, and while this is influenced by other events of today, at the same time I’m very satisfied in this moment.
I think it’s odd that I so value deep emotions in what I read, especially when they accompany great conviction or commitment, and yet I so quickly fly from one emotion to the next, with little or no reasoning accompanying the change. Many times I simply exist, knowing that I should feel something, but either I don’t know what, or I just can’t feel. I want to really fear, deeply love, and truly grieve, but I usually just end up moving on as if nothing has happened.
Now this is something I loved about D.H. Lawrence. In his book, Sons and Lovers, he on many occasions describes his characters as having extreme emotions, passionate love, overwhelming hate, and these emotions followed one after the other at the slightest provocation, and with varying degrees of impact. The effects these feelings had were not dependent on their intensity, but on a multitude of factors. The emotions were intense, even if they were only temporary.
I want to feel these deep emotions, and maybe they don’t have to accompany deep commitment, at least not always. I still feel like I need more solid ground, something unchanging. I need to mature, and I feel painfully unworthy of that which I seek, namely love and commitment. Well okay, that felt good to write, and I know it probably means nothing to anyone else, but catharsis doesn’t depend on an understanding audience. All the same, I’ll try to make more sense tomorrow.
I think it’s odd that I so value deep emotions in what I read, especially when they accompany great conviction or commitment, and yet I so quickly fly from one emotion to the next, with little or no reasoning accompanying the change. Many times I simply exist, knowing that I should feel something, but either I don’t know what, or I just can’t feel. I want to really fear, deeply love, and truly grieve, but I usually just end up moving on as if nothing has happened.
Now this is something I loved about D.H. Lawrence. In his book, Sons and Lovers, he on many occasions describes his characters as having extreme emotions, passionate love, overwhelming hate, and these emotions followed one after the other at the slightest provocation, and with varying degrees of impact. The effects these feelings had were not dependent on their intensity, but on a multitude of factors. The emotions were intense, even if they were only temporary.
I want to feel these deep emotions, and maybe they don’t have to accompany deep commitment, at least not always. I still feel like I need more solid ground, something unchanging. I need to mature, and I feel painfully unworthy of that which I seek, namely love and commitment. Well okay, that felt good to write, and I know it probably means nothing to anyone else, but catharsis doesn’t depend on an understanding audience. All the same, I’ll try to make more sense tomorrow.
Jan 17, 2003
Today was cold. Not your average, run of the mill I want to die cold. No, it was much worse. It was a combination of being conscious way too early in the morning, entirely too little sleep, lack of tobacco, wind pulling the skin off your face, bones aching because the marrow within them is now solid sort of cold. I try to enjoy cold, I really do, but it’s no good. I love snow, but cold without benefits is definitely sub-par.
So, the reason for lack of sleep is really the only remarkable thing about today. My class schedules are still fluctuating, but that really didn’t make an impression. I thought mostly about friendships and relationships, and how unable I am to understand them. Being in several different schools without any particular reason to get to know my fellow students has really helped keep my thoughts off my surroundings and on the more abstract.
I think that possibly the most frustrating part of my personality, when it comes to relationships, is that which holds back what I really want to say. Have you ever spoken for hours without getting across the one thing on your mind? You talk, you sit through moments of silence, but words just never seem to come? Have you ever then spent the whole next day trying to figure out what you really meant, what you mean now, what you’d like to mean? I love sleep deprivation, don’t get me wrong, but maybe my thoughts are as clear as the oatmeal I eat to stay warm in the morning. I’m not on the ball right now, and I wonder, will the opportunities still be there tomorrow? Through many experiences I’ve grown to be cautious in committing myself to any emotional stance too quickly, but what about taking too long?
I’ve finished The Man Who Was Thursday, which was simply awesome. It’s a short 200 pages or so, and yet it is so full and complex and beautiful. I’ll be starting a discussion group with some guys from Phoenix on this book soon, which is rather exciting. The plan was to read a chapter at a time and discuss it through email, but since two of the other guys had read it before too, I decided to read it first, then reread it. In other news, I’m on to Catch-22, which I’ve discussed with several people screams in my face that I’m uneducated in not having read it. On the other hand, the list of books is ever growing, I should either take solace having read anything, or accept that I'll always feel the need to read more, as well as the guilt for not having already read more.
I need to quit writing while I’m so tired. One final thought: If at every age we look back on our “youth” and remark how foolish we were, where does that put us right now? How can I do anything while knowing that I’ll just denounce it 5-10 years down the road? On a lighter note, I don’t think anyone should get in trouble for saying things that truly are funny, even if they're embarrassing, especially if they really do love the people they’re making fun of. Life’s short, and if it’s really funny, just remember that you’ll probably be commenting on how stupid what you did was too 5 years down the road. So why not laugh now?
So, the reason for lack of sleep is really the only remarkable thing about today. My class schedules are still fluctuating, but that really didn’t make an impression. I thought mostly about friendships and relationships, and how unable I am to understand them. Being in several different schools without any particular reason to get to know my fellow students has really helped keep my thoughts off my surroundings and on the more abstract.
I think that possibly the most frustrating part of my personality, when it comes to relationships, is that which holds back what I really want to say. Have you ever spoken for hours without getting across the one thing on your mind? You talk, you sit through moments of silence, but words just never seem to come? Have you ever then spent the whole next day trying to figure out what you really meant, what you mean now, what you’d like to mean? I love sleep deprivation, don’t get me wrong, but maybe my thoughts are as clear as the oatmeal I eat to stay warm in the morning. I’m not on the ball right now, and I wonder, will the opportunities still be there tomorrow? Through many experiences I’ve grown to be cautious in committing myself to any emotional stance too quickly, but what about taking too long?
I’ve finished The Man Who Was Thursday, which was simply awesome. It’s a short 200 pages or so, and yet it is so full and complex and beautiful. I’ll be starting a discussion group with some guys from Phoenix on this book soon, which is rather exciting. The plan was to read a chapter at a time and discuss it through email, but since two of the other guys had read it before too, I decided to read it first, then reread it. In other news, I’m on to Catch-22, which I’ve discussed with several people screams in my face that I’m uneducated in not having read it. On the other hand, the list of books is ever growing, I should either take solace having read anything, or accept that I'll always feel the need to read more, as well as the guilt for not having already read more.
I need to quit writing while I’m so tired. One final thought: If at every age we look back on our “youth” and remark how foolish we were, where does that put us right now? How can I do anything while knowing that I’ll just denounce it 5-10 years down the road? On a lighter note, I don’t think anyone should get in trouble for saying things that truly are funny, even if they're embarrassing, especially if they really do love the people they’re making fun of. Life’s short, and if it’s really funny, just remember that you’ll probably be commenting on how stupid what you did was too 5 years down the road. So why not laugh now?
Jan 15, 2003
I am a transient.
I guess in some ways I always have been, though the label was just applied a week ago by the University of Texas at Dallas. They refer to my status as seeking a degree at another school and intending only one semester of study at their facilities. They more than likely fail to realize how accurately they have named me.
The most obvious way in which this word describes me is my lack of a home. My parents moved to Dallas about three years ago, and I’ve only spent a total of 4 months there since. I don’t really feel a particular attachment to anywhere, and I have no idea where I’m going. I like the idea of travel, though I hate losing friends, so someday I hope to find a place and stay there, but we’ll see.
Probably the most relevant way in which I resemble their epitaph is my continual shifting from one mood to the next, even one personality to the next. On some days I’m reserved, contemplative, confident, and content. Often later that same day I’ll be neurotic, obsessive, and overly self-conscious. I change my mind several times a day, especially for some reason when I’m in the car. To tell you the truth, I don’t even recognize myself on most days, I feel like I could just as easily be somebody else tricked into living this lesbian’s life. I hope I’m growing away from the insecurity and towards contentment, but I wonder at times if I’m just shifting back and forth. The label doesn’t say which, only that I do not stay in one place long.
I am tired though, tired of worrying and pretending that I can really do much about my future. I’m ready to leave that mindset behind. What ifs seem to plague me all the time, and what a waste. They are but the repugnant discharge of a mind infected with doubt and fear. What if I don’t get this class, what if I don’t get a job, what if she doesn’t like me, what if LeTourneau doesn’t like me (this one I’ve already figured out). Hey dimwit, you know what, I can’t change any of those outcomes. I can only do so much, and at some point I have to just let go. If there’s anything I’ve learned recently, it’s that the little things I do seem to have big consequences, but at the same time my hours of effort often yield nothing, so it’s out of my hands. Here’s another thought, would your life end if those what ifs came true? So shut up, quit whining, and live life.
Okay, so those of you still with me have probably signed the papers to commit me, and that’s cool, just make sure the clipboard makes it back here and I’ll sign too. The truth is that more often than not I love my life. I have a cool pet snake. I’m reading The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton and loving it. I got to scrape ice of my car this morning, and life really is quite amazing. I’m not saying I made all that stuff up back there, it’s all still true, but hey, I’m transient, and I’m comfortable with that.
It’s funny, I’m now relatively certain that my school schedule has me at 13 credit hours, taken at three separate schools, in three separate directions from my house. One just 15 minutes away, one 20, and one an hour and 15 minutes away. Tuesdays look fun, my first class is at 8, and with one 45 minute break, I’m either in class or on the road the rest of the day until 10pm. However, by some strange scheduling, I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so once again I sacrifice to the registrar gods and dance my good grade dance. Here’s to school.
I guess in some ways I always have been, though the label was just applied a week ago by the University of Texas at Dallas. They refer to my status as seeking a degree at another school and intending only one semester of study at their facilities. They more than likely fail to realize how accurately they have named me.
The most obvious way in which this word describes me is my lack of a home. My parents moved to Dallas about three years ago, and I’ve only spent a total of 4 months there since. I don’t really feel a particular attachment to anywhere, and I have no idea where I’m going. I like the idea of travel, though I hate losing friends, so someday I hope to find a place and stay there, but we’ll see.
Probably the most relevant way in which I resemble their epitaph is my continual shifting from one mood to the next, even one personality to the next. On some days I’m reserved, contemplative, confident, and content. Often later that same day I’ll be neurotic, obsessive, and overly self-conscious. I change my mind several times a day, especially for some reason when I’m in the car. To tell you the truth, I don’t even recognize myself on most days, I feel like I could just as easily be somebody else tricked into living this lesbian’s life. I hope I’m growing away from the insecurity and towards contentment, but I wonder at times if I’m just shifting back and forth. The label doesn’t say which, only that I do not stay in one place long.
I am tired though, tired of worrying and pretending that I can really do much about my future. I’m ready to leave that mindset behind. What ifs seem to plague me all the time, and what a waste. They are but the repugnant discharge of a mind infected with doubt and fear. What if I don’t get this class, what if I don’t get a job, what if she doesn’t like me, what if LeTourneau doesn’t like me (this one I’ve already figured out). Hey dimwit, you know what, I can’t change any of those outcomes. I can only do so much, and at some point I have to just let go. If there’s anything I’ve learned recently, it’s that the little things I do seem to have big consequences, but at the same time my hours of effort often yield nothing, so it’s out of my hands. Here’s another thought, would your life end if those what ifs came true? So shut up, quit whining, and live life.
Okay, so those of you still with me have probably signed the papers to commit me, and that’s cool, just make sure the clipboard makes it back here and I’ll sign too. The truth is that more often than not I love my life. I have a cool pet snake. I’m reading The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton and loving it. I got to scrape ice of my car this morning, and life really is quite amazing. I’m not saying I made all that stuff up back there, it’s all still true, but hey, I’m transient, and I’m comfortable with that.
It’s funny, I’m now relatively certain that my school schedule has me at 13 credit hours, taken at three separate schools, in three separate directions from my house. One just 15 minutes away, one 20, and one an hour and 15 minutes away. Tuesdays look fun, my first class is at 8, and with one 45 minute break, I’m either in class or on the road the rest of the day until 10pm. However, by some strange scheduling, I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so once again I sacrifice to the registrar gods and dance my good grade dance. Here’s to school.
Jan 13, 2003
cigarettes 5 (bad), alcohol units 0, applications filled out 10, men from South Africa offering to put $50,000 in cash in my hand 1.
Okay, first things first. So today I start out by going to drop a class at the community college that conflicts with my important classes at UT Arlington. After this I start hitting everywhere I could possibly imagine myself working, and filling out applications. After leaving a Circuit City, being told they were not currently accepting, I was flagged down by a black man in a coat and tie while I was driving off. He approached my car, and I rolled down the window to see what I could help him with.
He introduced himself and said he was trying to find a particular church in the area. He handed me a card that had First Black Baptist Church as well as Rev. Jessie Jackson handwritten on it. I told him I wasn’t too familiar with the area, but that the Christian bookstore should be able to direct him. He said they told him to try the gas station, but that he couldn’t read English maps too well. I told him they should be able to give him directions, and so he asked if I could drive him there, said he had money to pay me, and opened a bag that had several very large bundles of cash with paper wrappers on each bundle like you would get from a bank. I said I didn’t need any money, but agreed, and let him in my car. I drive across the street to the nearest gas station and he asks me to pull up and stop so he can explain what his problem was.
He explained to me that he received a $150,000 settlement from the death of his uncle. He said that he had been given some papers by his lawyer that he was told would explain his situation to any strangers he met. He asked me to read them out loud. They explained that due to fighting in the country of Gweto, South Africa, anyone returning with large quantities of American currency would be suspected of aiding the guerillas. So he explained to me, that after attorney fees he had $100,000, and wanted to donate it to a charity so that his uncle’s death wouldn’t be for nothing. He said that since he had to fly back to South Africa tomorrow, and he wasn’t sure if he could make it to that church in time, he wanted to give me $50,000 of which I could keep $10,000 if I promised to donate the rest to a charity, whichever charity I thought could best use it. I told him I couldn’t, and had to explain to him that there were too many legal issues involved, that it would mess up my financial aid, I just started making up excuses as he continued to ask why I couldn’t do what he asked. I was just trying to keep him from getting angry, and finally he thanked me for driving him, and left.
I tried calling the cops to see if they were interested in knowing about this guy, but they put me on hold, and didn’t seem interested, which makes sense since I really didn’t know much that would help them. It may have even been fake money. All I know is it shocked me enough to send me home to recoup before hitting the job market again.
By the way, Gweto doesn’t exist, and I doubt that if a black pastor by the name of Jessie Jackson existed in the Dallas area he would go by that name.
Okay, first things first. So today I start out by going to drop a class at the community college that conflicts with my important classes at UT Arlington. After this I start hitting everywhere I could possibly imagine myself working, and filling out applications. After leaving a Circuit City, being told they were not currently accepting, I was flagged down by a black man in a coat and tie while I was driving off. He approached my car, and I rolled down the window to see what I could help him with.
He introduced himself and said he was trying to find a particular church in the area. He handed me a card that had First Black Baptist Church as well as Rev. Jessie Jackson handwritten on it. I told him I wasn’t too familiar with the area, but that the Christian bookstore should be able to direct him. He said they told him to try the gas station, but that he couldn’t read English maps too well. I told him they should be able to give him directions, and so he asked if I could drive him there, said he had money to pay me, and opened a bag that had several very large bundles of cash with paper wrappers on each bundle like you would get from a bank. I said I didn’t need any money, but agreed, and let him in my car. I drive across the street to the nearest gas station and he asks me to pull up and stop so he can explain what his problem was.
He explained to me that he received a $150,000 settlement from the death of his uncle. He said that he had been given some papers by his lawyer that he was told would explain his situation to any strangers he met. He asked me to read them out loud. They explained that due to fighting in the country of Gweto, South Africa, anyone returning with large quantities of American currency would be suspected of aiding the guerillas. So he explained to me, that after attorney fees he had $100,000, and wanted to donate it to a charity so that his uncle’s death wouldn’t be for nothing. He said that since he had to fly back to South Africa tomorrow, and he wasn’t sure if he could make it to that church in time, he wanted to give me $50,000 of which I could keep $10,000 if I promised to donate the rest to a charity, whichever charity I thought could best use it. I told him I couldn’t, and had to explain to him that there were too many legal issues involved, that it would mess up my financial aid, I just started making up excuses as he continued to ask why I couldn’t do what he asked. I was just trying to keep him from getting angry, and finally he thanked me for driving him, and left.
I tried calling the cops to see if they were interested in knowing about this guy, but they put me on hold, and didn’t seem interested, which makes sense since I really didn’t know much that would help them. It may have even been fake money. All I know is it shocked me enough to send me home to recoup before hitting the job market again.
By the way, Gweto doesn’t exist, and I doubt that if a black pastor by the name of Jessie Jackson existed in the Dallas area he would go by that name.
Jan 10, 2003
Wow.
It’s been a long day. I got up this morning at about 8 having slept on and off for several hours on C4’s floor. I then drove my parents’ 85 suburban, packed tight with a bunch of my junk, to Dallas. I’m no longer fond of this vehicle, though I still remember learning to drive in it. It now has no headliner, no glovebox, no dash cover, no radio, and no dash lights. It rattles when I go over 20 mph, and has trouble getting up to 80 at all.
When I got here, tired from lack of sleep and a really boring trip, I showered and went off to claim my destiny. I visited UT Dallas, and accomplished nothing, but found out Electronics II was closed. I then went to UT Arlington, which will probably work out. I then actually registered at Collin County Community College for two classes. So after a whole day of running around, it looks like I’m going to be going to three different colleges for a total of four classes. In addition I’m going to be driving back and forth to Longview to keep in touch with the people who will be my only help in completing my senior project. At least I’ll be driving my car, complete with dash lights and everything.
I was getting a little restless, and upset at having to go through all this registration junk three times. Then I went to coffee with a friend, and I’m now quite glad to have been suspended. Funny how things work out.
It’s been a long day. I got up this morning at about 8 having slept on and off for several hours on C4’s floor. I then drove my parents’ 85 suburban, packed tight with a bunch of my junk, to Dallas. I’m no longer fond of this vehicle, though I still remember learning to drive in it. It now has no headliner, no glovebox, no dash cover, no radio, and no dash lights. It rattles when I go over 20 mph, and has trouble getting up to 80 at all.
When I got here, tired from lack of sleep and a really boring trip, I showered and went off to claim my destiny. I visited UT Dallas, and accomplished nothing, but found out Electronics II was closed. I then went to UT Arlington, which will probably work out. I then actually registered at Collin County Community College for two classes. So after a whole day of running around, it looks like I’m going to be going to three different colleges for a total of four classes. In addition I’m going to be driving back and forth to Longview to keep in touch with the people who will be my only help in completing my senior project. At least I’ll be driving my car, complete with dash lights and everything.
I was getting a little restless, and upset at having to go through all this registration junk three times. Then I went to coffee with a friend, and I’m now quite glad to have been suspended. Funny how things work out.
Jan 5, 2003
WRITTEN AT 1 A.M., POSTED LATER DUE TO FUN WITH DIAL-UP
So much to think about tonight, I don’t know where to begin. The amazing thing that keeps coming to mind is just how wonderfully God has taken care of me, especially in the last 24 hours. I’ve come through intense anger and anxiety regarding my upcoming enforced vacation, and one positive thing after another has come up to remind me that God never stops blessing me, and that all things, including my screw-ups, will work together for good.
I’m going to be able to spend a lot more time with my family, and at a time when it is most crucial that I do so. My dad has no job, the family can’t afford the house they’re in, my Mom is recovering from cancer, and my younger brother of 13 is at a point where he could really use some time with an older brother. I usually am not fond of extended periods of time with my family. This is not a good thing, and I hope God can turn my heart and mind around about this matter.
I’m going to be doing my senior project alone, and with the assistance of Dr. Leiffer, one of the best professors I’ve ever known. I will end up owing the majority of my education to him, and I’m already so grateful to him for working with me, despite my chapel deficiencies. I, in a very geeky way, look forward to spending countless hours swearing at inanimate circuits, trying to coax them to life, and then raising them in a child like manner, instructing them in the ways of this world, or at least how to blink lights and display text.
I’ve met a really wonderful person, for the second time, and will be able to see more of her than I thought possible. We talked for a while tonight, and it amazed me that I could have ever spoken with her before and not tried to get to know her. This really brings up a very interesting question about my ability to sense people. Somehow I have managed to go through my four years at college, talked superficially with many of the students, and have missed several truly remarkable people. People like Dan, Stuart, Elliot, and Danielle, and I’m only now realizing these are people I should have been spending time with earlier. It’s not to say I haven’t met some rare and amazing people, but so often it seems like there’s not very many with whom I can relate on all levels. Reading back through some of these newly found people’s blogs confronts me with the realization that I wish I could have been part of their past. There were nights lost in pointless running around with “friends” that I barely knew, and don’t miss. I want to quit wasting my life.
Another great thing that has happened is that I have been completely humbled. I didn’t think so hotly about myself before, but I sure felt in control. I am now without any doubt about how much of my life can actually be attributed to my abilities. I’ve not been shipwrecked exactly, more like just blown a little off course, but it’s enough to make me think. Hopefully God can use this for his purposes and not have to resort to more drastic measures. I know He’ll take care of me even if that becomes necessary though, and that’s very comforting and humbling as well.
After looking over what I’ve read, I’m starting to wonder what friendship really is. I feel so conceited when I think about desiring to spend time with people whom I think are so special. What’s worse is my obvious snobbery which makes me think that time spent with certain people was a waste. It would make me seem a better person if that waste was perceived because the other person didn’t benefit from our time together either, but to be honest I am just thinking about myself. I don’t want to spend time with people who bore me unless I think I can help them, but even in doing so I receive some sense of being superior because I am helping them, and as stated, I’m supposedly more interesting than them. I feel like a goat at a petting zoo, focused on being petted and fed and biting the hands that are empty. Perhaps more like a self-absorbed cat that comes around when it wants something and walks off when it loses interest. Note: I love cats, and not all cats are as selfish and proud as I am.
It’s funny, if I spent as much time writing chapel papers as I did writing blogs . . .
So much to think about tonight, I don’t know where to begin. The amazing thing that keeps coming to mind is just how wonderfully God has taken care of me, especially in the last 24 hours. I’ve come through intense anger and anxiety regarding my upcoming enforced vacation, and one positive thing after another has come up to remind me that God never stops blessing me, and that all things, including my screw-ups, will work together for good.
I’m going to be able to spend a lot more time with my family, and at a time when it is most crucial that I do so. My dad has no job, the family can’t afford the house they’re in, my Mom is recovering from cancer, and my younger brother of 13 is at a point where he could really use some time with an older brother. I usually am not fond of extended periods of time with my family. This is not a good thing, and I hope God can turn my heart and mind around about this matter.
I’m going to be doing my senior project alone, and with the assistance of Dr. Leiffer, one of the best professors I’ve ever known. I will end up owing the majority of my education to him, and I’m already so grateful to him for working with me, despite my chapel deficiencies. I, in a very geeky way, look forward to spending countless hours swearing at inanimate circuits, trying to coax them to life, and then raising them in a child like manner, instructing them in the ways of this world, or at least how to blink lights and display text.
I’ve met a really wonderful person, for the second time, and will be able to see more of her than I thought possible. We talked for a while tonight, and it amazed me that I could have ever spoken with her before and not tried to get to know her. This really brings up a very interesting question about my ability to sense people. Somehow I have managed to go through my four years at college, talked superficially with many of the students, and have missed several truly remarkable people. People like Dan, Stuart, Elliot, and Danielle, and I’m only now realizing these are people I should have been spending time with earlier. It’s not to say I haven’t met some rare and amazing people, but so often it seems like there’s not very many with whom I can relate on all levels. Reading back through some of these newly found people’s blogs confronts me with the realization that I wish I could have been part of their past. There were nights lost in pointless running around with “friends” that I barely knew, and don’t miss. I want to quit wasting my life.
Another great thing that has happened is that I have been completely humbled. I didn’t think so hotly about myself before, but I sure felt in control. I am now without any doubt about how much of my life can actually be attributed to my abilities. I’ve not been shipwrecked exactly, more like just blown a little off course, but it’s enough to make me think. Hopefully God can use this for his purposes and not have to resort to more drastic measures. I know He’ll take care of me even if that becomes necessary though, and that’s very comforting and humbling as well.
After looking over what I’ve read, I’m starting to wonder what friendship really is. I feel so conceited when I think about desiring to spend time with people whom I think are so special. What’s worse is my obvious snobbery which makes me think that time spent with certain people was a waste. It would make me seem a better person if that waste was perceived because the other person didn’t benefit from our time together either, but to be honest I am just thinking about myself. I don’t want to spend time with people who bore me unless I think I can help them, but even in doing so I receive some sense of being superior because I am helping them, and as stated, I’m supposedly more interesting than them. I feel like a goat at a petting zoo, focused on being petted and fed and biting the hands that are empty. Perhaps more like a self-absorbed cat that comes around when it wants something and walks off when it loses interest. Note: I love cats, and not all cats are as selfish and proud as I am.
It’s funny, if I spent as much time writing chapel papers as I did writing blogs . . .
Jan 4, 2003
These past few weeks have been amazing, I’ve been so blessed by God to have so many wonderful friends. I just got back on Friday from my trip to Phoenix, and my whole outlook on home has been changed yet again. After leaving my home to come to LeTourneau, and subsequently my parents moving to Dallas, I have slowly come to think of Phoenix and all of my friends there as part of my past. In the two weeks or so I spent there I came to the realization that they are still a part of me, and that in a heartbeat I could be myself there again, they still know the real me. It makes me sad leaving there, though that’s not foremost on my mind right now.
Here’s the difficult part, and many of you have already heard from me. I’m trying not to be bitter, and I’m going to own up to my actions. I am currently suspended from LeTourneau University due to Chapel deficiency. This means that I don’t graduate, this means I more than likely lose my health insurance, this means I’m in some serious debt which I was planning on resolving with student jobs and student loans for which I am no longer eligible. I copied portions of another person’s chapel papers in my own while I was listening to the chapels I had missed. Unbeknownst to me, this plagiarism was unacceptable to the administration. Listening to the chapels and writing part of my own thoughts down was not sufficient, and I’ve screwed up rather greatly. This is about all I can think about right now.
I do however greatly appreciate all of the blogs I’m now catching up on. To all the people on my list on the right there, thank you, I am very much encouraged, enlightened, convicted, and entertained by all you’ve taken the time to share.
My plans for the future, as changed by yesterday’s phone call by Doug Wilcox, are to attend another school if possible, and establish better relationships with the people I know in Dallas. My senior project, though it is not called such, is to design and build a single board computer. Instead of doing this at school, I’ll be attempting to do it at home, which I hope will turn out to be the most challenging and educational thing I’ve done in the last four years. No thanks to LeTourneau, all thanks to Dr. Leiffer and any other professors who may help me, despite the fact that I’m not a student. This means I’ll be in Longview just about every week, and you may even see me sneaking late at night into the labs to work on my side project. I’m actually excited, I’m pretending it has nothing to do with school and everything to do with self improvement, we’ll see how the difference in perspective affects the endeavor.
I think I’ll post in the more traditional sense later, because I have a lot of thoughts as of the past few weeks, and I think they’d stand alone a lot better. Off to play guitar.
Here’s the difficult part, and many of you have already heard from me. I’m trying not to be bitter, and I’m going to own up to my actions. I am currently suspended from LeTourneau University due to Chapel deficiency. This means that I don’t graduate, this means I more than likely lose my health insurance, this means I’m in some serious debt which I was planning on resolving with student jobs and student loans for which I am no longer eligible. I copied portions of another person’s chapel papers in my own while I was listening to the chapels I had missed. Unbeknownst to me, this plagiarism was unacceptable to the administration. Listening to the chapels and writing part of my own thoughts down was not sufficient, and I’ve screwed up rather greatly. This is about all I can think about right now.
I do however greatly appreciate all of the blogs I’m now catching up on. To all the people on my list on the right there, thank you, I am very much encouraged, enlightened, convicted, and entertained by all you’ve taken the time to share.
My plans for the future, as changed by yesterday’s phone call by Doug Wilcox, are to attend another school if possible, and establish better relationships with the people I know in Dallas. My senior project, though it is not called such, is to design and build a single board computer. Instead of doing this at school, I’ll be attempting to do it at home, which I hope will turn out to be the most challenging and educational thing I’ve done in the last four years. No thanks to LeTourneau, all thanks to Dr. Leiffer and any other professors who may help me, despite the fact that I’m not a student. This means I’ll be in Longview just about every week, and you may even see me sneaking late at night into the labs to work on my side project. I’m actually excited, I’m pretending it has nothing to do with school and everything to do with self improvement, we’ll see how the difference in perspective affects the endeavor.
I think I’ll post in the more traditional sense later, because I have a lot of thoughts as of the past few weeks, and I think they’d stand alone a lot better. Off to play guitar.
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