This is just far too much for me. I’ve fallen in love again, and I think this time it’s serious. I’m totally infatuated, and for this moment, I can think of nothing besides the object of my desire, that which I want so desperately to consume entirely. It’s powerful, it’s Vermont Sharp White cheese, and it goes oh so well with a glass of chardonnay.

I know what you’re thinking, I’m a food whore. One minute I pledge my undying allegiance and affection for Louisiana Hot Sauce, the next for Samoas, and now this cheese, if such a base term can be used for something so heavenly. I don’t really understand the situation very well. I love certain foods to death, but I don’t eat much at all, which would make me expect that I’d just eat anything when I do get around to eating. It’s not that I just fall in love with whatever I’m eating, I swear, although . . . There’s a banana nut muffin on my desk, mmmmm, Banana Nut, now that’s a good muffin.

Speaking of obsessions, Eminem has begun growing on me, are there any known remedies? Feel free to offer advice, in the meantime I’ll go download yet another of his songs.

My fear is that in all these things, I throw myself in all too quickly. I rarely have the reservation to simply hold back and wait, at least emotionally. I’m growing much more expressive, but I’ve always exhibited obsessive characteristics, growing fanatical in my likes and dislikes, beliefs and doubts. It has cost in the past, but instead of accepting change, I’ve merely vowed to do the same, believing it to be a more passionate and intense life, and thus somehow more noble or more desirable.

I think in this regard I try to mix analytical thought, the logic so dear to me, with affairs of heart, or gut, if you understand that to be the feelings you have such as honor, love, family, and other such things that need no explanation. That’s just it though, I like to have everything categorized, set in bins and labeled. I’d like a quick reference index to the things in my heart, suck the life out of them just to have them laid out and understood.

So where’s a sense of balance? You all seem to have come to some sort of conclusion one way or the other, please give me a few pointers. Also, for future reference, don’t hesitate to reprimand me, tell me when I’ve overstated my case, or if I’ve just become annoying. I won’t be offended.

Hello World
Okay, so at least my program due in less than a week involving multiple processes has begun. I got my Linux machine to say something, so I think I'm pretty much on top of things. Two tests today, not nearly enough sleep, but I've got these two words on my desktop screen to be happy about.

“Love of truth does not appear to be man’s primary motive, and, therefore, it is a long way to the truth from what one sees through the filter of the passions.”
-Love and Friendship, Allan Bloom

So what’s more important anyhow? I’m awfully impressed when you say you’ve read Kafka, Kant, and Kierkegaard, philosophy turns me on like a light switch. On the other hand, is intellect and logic the only thing in life? If you know the right syllogisms and fallacies, do you understand how to live and love? I’m starting to realize there’s a lot more to this life than logic. I’m starting to think there’s a lot less in the next life of debate.

I think sleep deprivation has fried a few too many brain cells, I notice myself staring blankly at the wall more often then I used to. I suppose thoughts of girls might also be a contributing factor, studies are inconclusive, but 50% of every waking hour (pretty much 100% of the non-waking hours) can take its toll on a brain. Especially one split by that prenatal surge of testosterone.

Samoas, good heavens why do you tempt me so? There’s nothing keeping me from eating the whole box, and that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

Also, to indulge the technical side of my brain, thank God for easy installation Linux. Geeks of the world, hate me if you will, but I like plopping a Debian CD into my desktop and posting to my blog, enjoying a good book while the installation proceeds with such ease I’d let my father install it. If you want to spend your time trying to configure the network card, be my guest, I’ll probably have to do it someday, but not tonight.

random thoughts mixed into a creamy pudding of sarcastic goo

What’s next?
Are we on the same page?
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Would life be so wonderful if I knew all the answers?

Eat, drink, tell yourself that your work is good.
What release, to sleep, to dream, peace.
Now wake. Go.

“Kind of like a pubescent volatility, some angst, a lot of I'm-sixteen-and-angry-at-my-father syndrome.” -The Rock
Cue up some punk

You’ve known me a year. I met you yesterday. You gave birth to me. So, you’ve figured me out have you? Great, for your next trick maybe you can explain me to me. You know who I want to date? That’s great, you’ve never met them and even I didn’t know what I thought of her, maybe you should be hooking us up, picking out curtains. I never realized I was better than the guy behind me because I have to button my shirt most days, didn’t realize polishing my shoes defined me. Who does that make me today in my torn jacket with a two person sled on my head? If my wardrobe doesn’t match, have I lied to you?

I bought some wine to drink tonight. By myself. I spend hours a week programming. By myself. I didn’t shave today, or yesterday. I like walking barefoot. I like cigars. I study Greek in my spare time. I go to coffee shops, I go to mosh pits, dance clubs, bars, and bookstores. When did these things I do, this stuff I have, your small window into my life, let you know exactly who I am? I do want you to know, but you’re already way ahead of me.

It’s different this time, I don’t feel the need to shout or put safety pins in anything. I understand some of you are giving me the benefit of the doubt too, and I love you for it. Just don’t get carried away, you still don’t know me. I’m not the homeschooler talking to your father to court you. I’m not a stalker, I just play one on IM. I’m not a “saint” because I go to church. I haven’t strayed from the flock just because I don’t. I’m not the recluse geek to keep in your phone book to fix your email. I’m not a self-righteous Christian looking down on you to judge; God’s not going to let me into heaven because I’m a virgin, he’s not going to keep me out because I smoke, drink, and swear. Light up a cigarette, calm the fuck down.

You know that horrible thing you did so long ago? That doesn’t bother me. You’re ashamed of what happened yesterday? I don’t intend to interpret you through that, so let it go. You think I couldn’t possibly understand? Listen, you may be right, but I promise you’ve got nothing to lose in trying.

Alright, I concede there’s a place for being reserved, for privacy, and for tact. There’s also room for trust, and opening up, honest revelations beginning wonderful new friendships without games. So let’s talk. I haven’t put you in a box yet; Teach me about yourself, I want to listen.

Okay, first order of business. Once again I need to fight, so if you get this in time, rush over to my house and slam one in my gut. Better yet, surprise me. We’ll go get something to drink if it helps you, but I need to feel every hit. End the monotony.

Hold on. Can we start over? If I stay awake long enough, sleep even longer, can I wake up a new person? This semester was a new beginning, but I feel like I’m already on the wrong foot. At the same time, if I had it to do over again, it’s too complex, I’d do it the same way. I’d have called Jake earlier and made a spare key for my car. That’s about it. The rest is all interrelated, and I can’t imagine what I’d change. Should I have taken the job on the weekends? Should I have stayed up all that one night? Who knows. Nevermind all that, time to move on.

I’ll probably end up replacing this post, I was tired when I wrote it, but you get the idea.

Today my happiness knows no bounds. First of all, I love dreary weather, and the dark and overcast afternoon has just been wonderful. Secondly, I adore the look of snow, and that’s exactly what we have. We got the industrial strength, plastic coated for durability version of the look of snow.

Last night, if you didn’t know, Dallas got a ton of sleet, and today’s high was 28, so it’s still here. The roads were a disaster, but the look was beautiful. It perpetually looks like virgin snow, because you can walk all over it and nothing happens besides you falling on your ass. The greatest part about this weather probably really upset most of you, but it saved me, it killed the roads.

I was up all last night, sort of working on a lab paper and studying for a midterm. I hit my bed at like 4 to take an hour nap. I felt horrible after that, so I took another one and got up at 6 to see the world’s most heart warming and heavenly words on UTA’s website: Due to inclement weather, the university is closed Tuesday, February 25. I danced about the house, thanking God for answering my prayers, and then collapsed on my bed and slept until noon.

Then, this afternoon, my father and I drove my car out to a parking lot and tried losing traction and spinning it. The idea is that it's important to know how to drive in dangerous conditions, and this is the best way to learn. Plus it feels like you're breaking some sort of law. We found out that front wheel drive and anti-lock brakes keep you from doing almost anything crazy in my car, which was at once reassuring and boring. We then returned home and got the ’85 suburban. This thing was awesome. We did 360’s in that thing, slid all over the place and nearly slammed it directly sideways into several curbs. It was more fun than any ride at any amusement park I’ve ever been to, and I would’ve paid anything to do it. My dad says he hasn't had that much fun since driving go carts as a kid. I only wish C4 and the $50 wonder truck could have been there.

So, I’m rather upset tonight, and I’m trying not to be. I seriously have decided that if my life had to have a theme right now, it’d be messed up timing. I have a schedule, and I try to stick to it, honestly. I fully intend on doing my lab reports the night before they’re due, so I’m a procrastinator, but it’s on the schedule. There’s a newly found facet to this rough diamond I find of my life however: Spring Break 2003.

Maybe you’ve thought to yourself when you got back from Spring Break, “Man, I’d sure like another break, maybe a second Spring Break.” Guess what, I get three. In a row. Almost a full month of Spring Break. The part of this arrangement that has relations with lower species of life is that I can’t actually leave town for more than a couple days, as usual. Please tell me what would possess two campi (you like that?) of the same university to have different Spring Breaks? Was it a deal with the beer company to spread out sales? Can the roads not handle that many students simultaneously headed to Mexico? Also, the community college only has three days off for Spring Break, so what’s that about? Whatever, I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

I’m thinking of starting a stalker exchange program. It would only be for one day, and it would be limited to that first stage of stalking where you’re like, “Awww, that’s sweet, I wonder who sent me flowers? That’s a really nice poem, how odd.” And then, at the end of the day, it’s over. Your ego is boosted, and nobody gets hurt or weirded out. On some days you’d stalk, on others you’d be stalked. I'm still working on how you'd find out your next assignment.

Random acts of kindness never seemed to catch on, Pass It On flopped, but I think there’s a lot of us curious people who wonder what it’d be like to have that random feeling of importance, without knowing to whom or in what way. In addition, you may have some really random sappy ideas that really have no place in a real relationship, but this would be the perfect outlet for that too. There’d be limits, you have to do more than sign a Hallmark card, but nothing too elaborate either, kinda like a price limit on gift giving to friends. Now I’d personally bend the rules if the stalker was cute, but that’s another story.

I'm now up to number 7 on Google under the search Lesbo. The fact that I'm rising is disturbing me, and it's no boost to my ego to think that the people most often finding and viewing my page are thinking to themselves, "Hmmm, dumbass is using false advertising." I'd like to think that anyone linking to my page is keeping both of their hands visible at all times.